How to move on, part one.

I've been putting off posting my reflections from term because more often than not, I find closure to be extremely painful in my life. This is most often seen in ending toxic relationships and making better life decisions. Sometimes, I just hate being right about needing to sew up my wound to move on. Sometimes, I'd rather sit in silence and be miserable than actually think about what I'm struggling with. But it is in that silence that I tend to truly discover why closure is so painful -- it means letting go of the familiar, however destructive or however wistfully I may desire to keep it, and moving on to the bigger, the better, the unfamiliar, and the often scary unknown of the future.

When I first departed for Oxford, I took with me a list of 19 resolutions that I wanted to work on while I was away. Some of them were about how to live my life, some dealt with stress and time management, and some of them encouraged me to step back every once in a while and observe what I was really aiming for in life. As the semester went on, even though I was only intending to work on 10 or so of the "resolutions", I found that many of them started to overlap, and I went through all of them. In this first part, I'm posting only the first 9. Some, I still need to finish reflecting upon. Others are far too personal for me to want to post online. Regardless, the next batch will be up soon.

1. You can't grow without pushing your limits.
• I went overseas for over three months without having my parents, most of my friends, or any of my support within a 20-mile radius of me. AND SURVIVED.
2. Make this the day you stop dreaming and start doing.
• This goes back to just getting on the plane to come here in the first place. Instead of just thinking about going to Oxford, I’m actually physically (and emotionally) here.
3. See your mistakes not as personal flaws, but as the source of your most valuable life lessons.
• Taking Shakespeare as my primary tutorial, knowing not much more about his plays than the broader sense of having read some of the more major plays that he’s written. I learned from this experience that I’ve lost some of my passion for my major, but also just for reading in general. And I was able to renew that passion by just stepping back and realizing that at some point along the line, I had stopped interacting with what I was reading and ended up just reading assignments to complete my homework, exams, etc.
4. Gratitude cannot always change circumstances, but it can help you see beyond them.
• This is definitely true when it comes to my Shakespeare tutorial. I say this because once I was able to recognize that my tutor’s questions forced me to think more deeply and interact more in general with the text at hand, I was able to more fully appreciate what I was learning and stretch my then-current comprehension of what I was reading for my tutorials.
5. Find your direction in life by looking where you want to go, not where you don’t.
• I said when I left for Oxford that I didn’t want to go to a university Stateside for my Master’s. But reflecting on my time here, I know that I do want to come back. And if going to a Stateside university and coming back here for just a year is how that’s going to happen, then that’s what I’ll do. It’s as simple as just realizing that sometimes the path you have to take isn’t necessarily the one you pictured yourself on (honestly, I never saw myself coming to Oxford as an undergrad… or at all), but sometimes shortcuts don’t really end up getting you where you want to go.
6. Know your worth – and accept nothing less.
• Academically at least, I realize that getting A’s (and even A-‘s) in Oxford tutorials means that I do have the smarts and some of the drive that it takes it succeed back home. Why should I let myself settle for mediocre grades just because I feel like I made a mediocre decision in which college to attend when I now know that I could be pulling straight A’s if I really wanted to?
7. In refusing to forgive old hurts, you live them over again. Learn to let go.
• Before I left for Oxford, I resolved to work on forgiving some of conflict that had been hanging over me, even for a few years. I didn’t want to come to another country and have these things plaguing me because I wanted to be able to enjoy every moment that I had here, knowing that it would seem so limited once it was over. So slowly, but surely, I was able to either talk out what I was upset about with the people involved or I forced myself to just let go of the negative feelings and realize that that is just a part of growing up and maturing. Coming here without that negativity surrounding me left me free to make new, better memories with the energy that had been consuming me from regrets.
8. No one knows what the future will bring. Put your energy into now.
• I definitely learned this lesson the hard way, and I suppose you could say that I’m still trying to learn it. When I first arrived, I started to worry about what would happen if I didn’t do well in my tutorials and I made a five-year plan for myself, convinced myself that I couldn’t do it even if I tried, and generally allowed panic mode to cloud over what could have been some amazing days of stress-free enjoyment of Oxford. However, in the last few weeks of tutorials, while I somewhat gave up on trying to do well, I actually performed better when I stopped thinking about the consequences of not doing well. While my paper grades stayed the same in Shakespeare, they drastically improved in my English Novels and Poetry tutorial, and my overall presentation of my papers became more confident, forth-right, and strong.
9. When you’re overloaded, fight the urge to work harder. Instead, slow down and reflect on what matters most.
• Sixth week. Need I say more? Of course, I will. Sixth week was perhaps one of the worst weeks of term – I was sick, I was approaching the end of term, and I was starting to deal with the strains of trying to maintain relationships. “Fifth week flu” became “Sixth week sickness”, and between the two, my sleep patterns were off and I was not the happiest student in Oxford. I had two papers due that week, and I was struggling to complete them both. I felt myself starting to become overwhelmed by everything that I was trying to accomplish, so one day, I just turned my computer off and started reading while listening to the audio recording of the play I was reading. I came to Oxford for my academic work, not to go out every evening and socialize. While socializing was fun (and let’s be honest, I need it), I was steadily losing my motivation to try to succeed in my academic work. So when I turned off my computer to shut out some of the distractions that I had been falling prey to, I was able to press forth in my work and complete both papers in a timely manner.

Anyway, these are the first nine "resolutions" that I've typed up. A special thanks goes out to my brother for traveling all the way to England, just to be forced to listen to me moan about having to come back to the States.


Coming home has been a very hard adjustment for me, although I'm not sure why. I was only away for four months. But in those four months, I fell in love with a culture that I strongly identified with, and that connection made it that much harder for me to want to return home. But in the end, it can be said that most, if not all, people need a "home base", a place where they can come back to when they need it, and for now, this is my home base. This is the place where I will figure out my next moves, learn from my past, and try to fully live in the present. I appreciate the fact that I'm alive, the fact that I'm not wanting, the fact that I have so much more than I'll ever need. And to be fair, I've only been able to come this far because of the people who have come around me and supported me from the very beginning. To you all, I give my sincerest thanks. Your help and guidance has meant the world to me, and I can never show my gratitude enough.


Until next time.