How to move on, part one.

I've been putting off posting my reflections from term because more often than not, I find closure to be extremely painful in my life. This is most often seen in ending toxic relationships and making better life decisions. Sometimes, I just hate being right about needing to sew up my wound to move on. Sometimes, I'd rather sit in silence and be miserable than actually think about what I'm struggling with. But it is in that silence that I tend to truly discover why closure is so painful -- it means letting go of the familiar, however destructive or however wistfully I may desire to keep it, and moving on to the bigger, the better, the unfamiliar, and the often scary unknown of the future.

When I first departed for Oxford, I took with me a list of 19 resolutions that I wanted to work on while I was away. Some of them were about how to live my life, some dealt with stress and time management, and some of them encouraged me to step back every once in a while and observe what I was really aiming for in life. As the semester went on, even though I was only intending to work on 10 or so of the "resolutions", I found that many of them started to overlap, and I went through all of them. In this first part, I'm posting only the first 9. Some, I still need to finish reflecting upon. Others are far too personal for me to want to post online. Regardless, the next batch will be up soon.

1. You can't grow without pushing your limits.
• I went overseas for over three months without having my parents, most of my friends, or any of my support within a 20-mile radius of me. AND SURVIVED.
2. Make this the day you stop dreaming and start doing.
• This goes back to just getting on the plane to come here in the first place. Instead of just thinking about going to Oxford, I’m actually physically (and emotionally) here.
3. See your mistakes not as personal flaws, but as the source of your most valuable life lessons.
• Taking Shakespeare as my primary tutorial, knowing not much more about his plays than the broader sense of having read some of the more major plays that he’s written. I learned from this experience that I’ve lost some of my passion for my major, but also just for reading in general. And I was able to renew that passion by just stepping back and realizing that at some point along the line, I had stopped interacting with what I was reading and ended up just reading assignments to complete my homework, exams, etc.
4. Gratitude cannot always change circumstances, but it can help you see beyond them.
• This is definitely true when it comes to my Shakespeare tutorial. I say this because once I was able to recognize that my tutor’s questions forced me to think more deeply and interact more in general with the text at hand, I was able to more fully appreciate what I was learning and stretch my then-current comprehension of what I was reading for my tutorials.
5. Find your direction in life by looking where you want to go, not where you don’t.
• I said when I left for Oxford that I didn’t want to go to a university Stateside for my Master’s. But reflecting on my time here, I know that I do want to come back. And if going to a Stateside university and coming back here for just a year is how that’s going to happen, then that’s what I’ll do. It’s as simple as just realizing that sometimes the path you have to take isn’t necessarily the one you pictured yourself on (honestly, I never saw myself coming to Oxford as an undergrad… or at all), but sometimes shortcuts don’t really end up getting you where you want to go.
6. Know your worth – and accept nothing less.
• Academically at least, I realize that getting A’s (and even A-‘s) in Oxford tutorials means that I do have the smarts and some of the drive that it takes it succeed back home. Why should I let myself settle for mediocre grades just because I feel like I made a mediocre decision in which college to attend when I now know that I could be pulling straight A’s if I really wanted to?
7. In refusing to forgive old hurts, you live them over again. Learn to let go.
• Before I left for Oxford, I resolved to work on forgiving some of conflict that had been hanging over me, even for a few years. I didn’t want to come to another country and have these things plaguing me because I wanted to be able to enjoy every moment that I had here, knowing that it would seem so limited once it was over. So slowly, but surely, I was able to either talk out what I was upset about with the people involved or I forced myself to just let go of the negative feelings and realize that that is just a part of growing up and maturing. Coming here without that negativity surrounding me left me free to make new, better memories with the energy that had been consuming me from regrets.
8. No one knows what the future will bring. Put your energy into now.
• I definitely learned this lesson the hard way, and I suppose you could say that I’m still trying to learn it. When I first arrived, I started to worry about what would happen if I didn’t do well in my tutorials and I made a five-year plan for myself, convinced myself that I couldn’t do it even if I tried, and generally allowed panic mode to cloud over what could have been some amazing days of stress-free enjoyment of Oxford. However, in the last few weeks of tutorials, while I somewhat gave up on trying to do well, I actually performed better when I stopped thinking about the consequences of not doing well. While my paper grades stayed the same in Shakespeare, they drastically improved in my English Novels and Poetry tutorial, and my overall presentation of my papers became more confident, forth-right, and strong.
9. When you’re overloaded, fight the urge to work harder. Instead, slow down and reflect on what matters most.
• Sixth week. Need I say more? Of course, I will. Sixth week was perhaps one of the worst weeks of term – I was sick, I was approaching the end of term, and I was starting to deal with the strains of trying to maintain relationships. “Fifth week flu” became “Sixth week sickness”, and between the two, my sleep patterns were off and I was not the happiest student in Oxford. I had two papers due that week, and I was struggling to complete them both. I felt myself starting to become overwhelmed by everything that I was trying to accomplish, so one day, I just turned my computer off and started reading while listening to the audio recording of the play I was reading. I came to Oxford for my academic work, not to go out every evening and socialize. While socializing was fun (and let’s be honest, I need it), I was steadily losing my motivation to try to succeed in my academic work. So when I turned off my computer to shut out some of the distractions that I had been falling prey to, I was able to press forth in my work and complete both papers in a timely manner.

Anyway, these are the first nine "resolutions" that I've typed up. A special thanks goes out to my brother for traveling all the way to England, just to be forced to listen to me moan about having to come back to the States.


Coming home has been a very hard adjustment for me, although I'm not sure why. I was only away for four months. But in those four months, I fell in love with a culture that I strongly identified with, and that connection made it that much harder for me to want to return home. But in the end, it can be said that most, if not all, people need a "home base", a place where they can come back to when they need it, and for now, this is my home base. This is the place where I will figure out my next moves, learn from my past, and try to fully live in the present. I appreciate the fact that I'm alive, the fact that I'm not wanting, the fact that I have so much more than I'll ever need. And to be fair, I've only been able to come this far because of the people who have come around me and supported me from the very beginning. To you all, I give my sincerest thanks. Your help and guidance has meant the world to me, and I can never show my gratitude enough.


Until next time.

When I fall in love, it will be forever.

Well, here I am again, a blog post long overdue (I was intending to publish this just a few days after my last one), but at least I’m publishing one at all – this is mainly just to say hello to my friends and family back Stateside and to remind them that no matter how much I want to evade the police here and gallivant across the UK for an unmentionable amount of time, I will indeed be getting on a plane in just a week to come back to you all. I’m not sure why, but I suppose that coming back is necessary. The closer I get to my departure date, the more the realization that I’m leaving England hits me and the more I feel gloomy. Everyone told me that I wouldn’t want to go back to the States after being in England, and while part of me accepted that fact as truth, part of me also thought that I would want to come back to see people. And while I do miss a lot of people right now, I can’t even imagine leaving this place. Here, I have the freedom to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, but I also am required to take responsibility to own up to the consequences that all of my decisions have. While this is certainly true in the States, I enjoy being on my own here in England. I enjoy what I perceive to be a sense of complete freedom. Although financially, staying here is not an option, I somewhat think that I might actually try to get a work visa when I come back during my Master’s program. That way, at least I can support myself. But there I go again, trying to plan out my future so far in advance. Sometimes I wish that I could more fully appreciate living in the moment because my mind always seems to be thinking so far out in the future that I tend to forget about conditionals – getting accepted into a Stateside university for my Master’s, working enough to save up for just housing in Oxford, graduating from my BA program at all! So many things stand between me and where I want to be. But for now, I’ll just focus on the fact that I’m here and I never want to leave.

Anyway, more “homesick” reflections later. My grades finally arrived from Oxford! I received an A from my secondary tutorial (not a surprise) and an A- in my primary tutorial (definitely a surprise)! Both of my tutors had wonderful things to say about how they felt that our tutorials went, and I was so appreciative of their praise. I tend to get down on myself because I don’t feel like I’m smart enough to even be in college, but it’s people like my tutors, particularly Dr. Ballam, who remind me that I am worth something in the academic world, even if I still need a little bit of refinement – that is what uni is for, anyway. So my grades were a decent surprise, and although I know that I could have achieved higher marks in my primary, I’ll take what I can get and do better next time.

Academics aside, Aaron has finally arrived, and we spent three and a half days in London. I’m writing this post on the bus on the way to Oxford. We’ll spend a few days in Oxford, where I’ll show him all of my favourite “haunts” (especially the pubs… my all-time favourite place to be!) and then we’re off to Stratford-upon-Avon. I’m very excited that he’s finally here, although his visit is a little bittersweet because it means that I’m leaving soon. I’m afraid that some of my frustration has been taken out on him, so I’m just trying to avoid being mean and angsty, when all I really want to do is go back to 37 St. Giles and curl up in a ball in the basement and never leave. Pathetic, right? Well, enough whinging from me. I can’t wait to get into Oxford and say my final goodbyes as I show my brother what the good life is all about in my favourite place.

I’m hoping to use train time in order to keep people posted on how I’m doing and track my reflections over the next week as I mentally prepare myself for departure, but in case I completely forget to keep in touch, I can’t wait to see everyone when I return, and please email me if you want to get together when I get back! Lots of love. Ta!

Post-term blues.

Well, the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity, what with completing term, visiting Dublin for St. Patrick's Day, and running around Europe on my Contiki tour. Although I was going to go to a few places after my tour, I came back home and realised that bronchitis puts a damper on doing anything other than sleeping. Since I arrived back home, I've been in the midst of packing, stressing about packing, and throwing tantrums about how I don't want to pack (more on that later). But, I'm finally packed, and I'm headed out to the airport in a bit to check my suitcases so that I don't have to tote them around when Aaron gets here in (gasp!) SIX DAYS! I'm so excited to travel around England with him! Anyway, I'm going to Belgium with Rachael and Elyse from the 10th-13th, so I don't want to have to worry about taking all of my bags to the airport on the 14th. And in seventeen days, I'll be embarking on my journey back to the States.

I'll be writing another blog post later (maybe tomorrow, maybe in three years when I remember) that will contain reflections - what I've learned since I arrived in the UK and things that I have accomplished. However, here is a brief overview of how life has been academically (since that's what I really came here for and that's what is most important to me). I completed my secondary tutorial with a decent mark - an Oxford A is a 70, and the average of my four papers (so, my final grade) was a 70.25. I am pleased with that mark because I received a 75 on my last paper - over a 70, and an 80 is considered publishable! My tutor also gave me some suggestions of where I can look to publish, and he told me that he will write me a recommendation letter if I ever need one! He also said that he loved my final paper, so overall, I was very excited for my mark in that tutorial. Dr. Ballam is perhaps one of the best professors that I have ever had the opportunity to work with, and I'm so glad that I was able to have a tutorial with him.

I'm still confused about what my grade will be for my primary tutorial because of the nature of the Oxford Greek grading system. For example, I received a beta beta alpha on my final paper, and I have absolutely no idea how that will transfer into Eastern. I believe that my grade will be somewhere around a B. I'm not too concerned about it. In my reflections, I'll go into more detail about it, but I do wish that I had done better. However, I can say that my tutor, Val Dodd, really encouraged me to think more abstractly and more in depth about Shakespeare. I encountered and interacted with the texts in a lot more detail than I would have had I read all of the plays on my own. Her questions for my papers caused me to more carefully read the plays, and I really appreciated that. Though I found the tutorial difficult, and at times, frustrating, I believe that I came out of the tutorial a better student in many ways. So although my grade is a little ambiguous for that tutorial, I don't regret taking it here with her.

My post-term travels are another post entirely, but I'd like to close this post with a short explanation of why I'm suffering from post-term, whiny, depressing blues. I don't want to leave. It's as simple as that, although in some ways, it's so much more complicated. Oxford has become my home. Maybe I just easily move around to places and become emotionally attached to them, but I know Oxford. I've given tourists directions on how to get places and provided tips on the best times to go. I know how to walk past porters into colleges like I attend them. I know where to get anything I need, and I know how to live on any kind of budget I want. I've dreamed of coming to Oxford since I was fairly young, never fully believing that I could get myself here. In many ways, I simply gave up academically because I never thought that I could ever achieve something so amazing. I know that I wasn't admitted as a full student to a uni in Oxford, but the fact that I was able to become associated with a college and study under an Oxford tutor is mind-boggling. The only reason that I'm not trying to evade UK immigration so that I can stay here is just knowing that when I apply for my Master's, I'll have a better GPA and a more interested way of approaching my studies. I am planning on tacking on an extra year of undergrad in order to get my GPA up to where I want it to be, but I realised that even if I end up going somewhere like Penn State for my Master's, there's no reason why I can't spend a year here through OSAP or a similar program (although I did enjoy OSAP). I'm learning that anything's possible if I really want to do it. I can take what I've learned and realise that I have so much potential. I don't want to let this energy go. Because of what I've learned here and because I'm simply here, I know that I can do whatever I put my mind to. I just need to unlock and harness that potential.

Anyway, off to the airport now, but I'll most likely have another post within the next few days before I leave for Belgium. My post-term travels were AMAZING:) But ta for now, dear friends, and I'll be back in the States before you know it. Lots of love to everyone in the States!

Catching my breath.

Welcome to Sixth Week, when you cross your heart and hope to God that you live. I've barely had time to take a breath in the past two weeks, although I did venture into Windsor for a bit on Sunday. I didn't meet the Queen, but I did get a free pass to visit the castle as many times as I desire for a year. Next time, I'll take a weekend bag and pitch a tent in one of the rooms of the castle. I'm sure that that will get the Queen's attention! All I want is for her to grant me permanent dual citizenship, adopt me, and give me a job at a high-class university. That's not too much to ask, I'm sure.

Anyway, silliness aside, these past two weeks have been crazy. First, I got an email from the academic advisor here last week warning us about "Fresher's Flu" or "Fifth-week Flu". And true to my body's need to acquire every sickness on the face of the Earth, I got sick on Wednesday of last week, which made my tutorial on Thursday very difficult. First, I finished the paper in the wee hours of the morning, although I felt that it was decent. There were some things that I would have liked to have tweaked, but I really didn't allow myself enough time. Story of my life. However, when I walked into my tutorial, my tutor took one look at me and sent me home because she didn't want to get sick. Because I had my paper completed, she took it with her and said that she would count our session as having taken place, so I won't have to go into 10th week (I'm already meeting her during Ninth Week, on 15 March, which is after the 10 March term end date). So I'm not sure how well I did on the paper, but I'll find out tomorrow.

On Sunday, like I wrote above, I trekked into Windsor to see the castle, and then a bunch of us sat down for lunch and then went shopping. I bought some arm warmers for when the weather gets warm enough not to have to wear a jacket but is still chilly enough to want some extra protection from the cold. I also bought a huge, obnoxious, teal, floppy hat (wow, that was a lot of adjectives). We're going to have a tea here some day within the next three weeks, and I intend to wear that hat proudly. It was quite a deal - from £10 to less than £2 with sales and a student discount. I felt pretty good about my purchases, as I've been trying to save money for post-term travel.

Speaking of post-term travel, my hotel reservations were finally confirmed for Dublin! I'll be leaving 15 March after my tutorial, and Rachael and I will be staying in Dublin for St. Patrick's Day, coming back to Oxford on the 18th. Tomorrow, I'm booking my 12-day tour of Europa:

22 Mar - London/Amsterdam

23 Mar - Amsterdam/Rhine Valley

24 Mar - Rhine Valley/Munich

25 Mar - Munich/Austrian Tyrol

26 Mar - Austrian Tyrol/Venice

27 Mar - Venice/Rome

28 Mar - Rome

29 Mar - Rome/Florence

30 Mar - Florence/Lucerne

31 Mar - Lucerne/Paris

01 Apr - Paris

02 Apr - Paris/London

Either before or after this trip, I'm trying to work out a way to go to Scotland for a bit, as I really want to see some of the castles there! I know that I'm also going to try to go to Prague and Poland. I've always wanted to do a tour of some of the death/labour/concentration camps in Poland, and this seems like as good an opportunity as I'll ever have to do so. Rachael (my roommate here) said that she and her father might be able to take me, in which case I'd travel with them starting 10 April. Even if they can't take me, I am going to try to find a way to go. If I don't go with her, I'll still meet up with her and her family in London on the 10th and go stay with them in Belgium for a few days, touring Brussels and Paris (which is just a short train ride from her house). After that, I'll meet up with Aaron in London and proceed to take a 10-day tour around England: London, Oxford, Stratford-upon-Avon, Old Trafford, a free day, and then back to London to depart on the 24th of April. I'm still not sure how everything will work out, and frankly, I haven't had time to worry about it.

Which brings me to my final point: I find myself writing this at a little before 10pm on the night before my Shakespeare essay is due, and I haven't started my essay yet. I'm really only writing this blog post so that my parents and relatives don't think that I've died (and because I've gotten really, really good at procrastination - mastered it, if the fact that the essay I had due for yesterday's tutorial was finished less than an hour before it was supposed to be handed in). I finished reading the book for this tutorial today at 3pm, and I've not done anything since then. I tried to do some research, but the internet wouldn't work fast enough to open the PDF files that I was trying to read. So my goal is to write solely using the text for tonight, reach the 2000 word minimum, and then get up and head over to the office at 9am tomorrow morning, giving me about 2 hours or so to find and incorporate research. It's not a perfect plan, but as Eric and I are discussing right now, Oxford teaches you that sometimes you don't have a choice. In a class of one, you can't show up and beg for an extension after class because the paper IS your class. You can't hide yourself in the back of a classroom of 20+ students and pray not to be called upon. And this is the reality check in some ways. Matthias, the grad student in my house, said that Oxford is a bubble, and in some ways, I agree with him. But in other ways, Oxford is certainly not a bubble - you can't hide behind your excuses. Here, you can't give up or give in, or if you do, you'll certainly be ashamed of yourself. You don't finish any essay in less-than-ideal circumstances because it's an option, you finish because it's a necessity, because if you don't, the consequences will be dire. When your grade is based solely on 4 or 8 papers for the term, you don't have an option. And not even sickness or a dead computer or lost notes is a valid excuse for neglecting your work.

I keep hoping that things will get better, that I'll learn from mistakes and move forward, but that's so hard to do. I'm certainly glad that I don't have any plans for this weekend (I was going to try to go into London for the weekend, but after this week, I've scrapped that idea entirely). This weekend is going to consist of passionate studying and paper-writing. I'd like to have a fun weekend, but when it comes right down to it, I spent all of my "fun time" procrastinating since I arrived. I have 21 days, a mere three weeks, to prove to my tutors that I'm not a waste of their time. So yes, I'll probably go visit the Mound ("The Shire") on Saturday for a walk and a short study break, but I plan on getting as much work done as possible, especially because in the final week of term, I'll have two plays to write on for Shakespeare instead of one. As well, the earlier I start, the earlier I can discover that Ebscohost has zero articles about the topic that I'm writing on. I'd like not to have a repeat of today, when I discovered just a few short hours ago that I'm unable to find any research to support my claims. Ah, well, time to start my Shakespeare essay at 10pm. I know that I can do this. Because when it comes right down to it, I'm not allowing myself the choice.

Don't look back. Never look back.

In the past few weeks, I've been tripped up by my past so many times. I guess that I came to England expecting to be someone new, someone who wasn't as awkward, clumsy, and outspoken as I am back home. And I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that just because I stepped off of a plane onto another country's soil does not mean that I'm going to automatically be someone different. It's hard to come to terms with. This past weekend, I basically spent Saturday planning out my schedule for the next two years (because I'll be adding an extra year at Eastern) and bemoaning the fact that I'm not as good as I want to be. I'm not as motivated, driven, and passionate as I thought that I was. Coming here has been so eye-opening in that regard, because my whole life, I've been sitting in classes thinking to myself that I was nothing and would never become anything, and when I got into college, I looked around and realised that I was one of few people who actually wanted to be there. Anyway, I had this identity crisis when I started thinking about how I'm not going to get into the grad schools that I want to apply to because I messed around my first few years of college. It's a sobering thought that everything that I did the past few years that I thought wouldn't matter is now haunting me. Meditation is a harrowing experience.

On Sunday, I went into Wales with Steve and his housemates, which was *awesome*. I think that I might start looking at grad school in Wales because everyone in Cardiff was nice, and the atmosphere was a lot more comfortable than it is in England (Oxford, particularly, but the Welsh have something natural about themselves that attracts me). I got to take some great photos to add to my portfolio, which was cool. I also found out that there's a permanent Doctor Who exhibit there, since that's where the majority of Doctor Who is filmed, and the "Doctor Who Experience" (a huge display of Doctor Who memorabilia) is moving to Cardiff in just a few weeks! I'll be back. That's a promise.

Anyway, some people have asked me what's different in Oxford or the UK in general that I'm going to miss when I get home... so here are a few things that I've loved so far:

• Waking up and seeing a random woman doing Sun Salutations by herself in the middle of the park across the way.
• Watching teenage boys do back flips for no reason in the same park.
• Passing friars on my way to the centre (Blackfriars Hall is right down the street from my house, so I pass them every day - and no one heckles them! It's cool. Also, Blackfriars is where my Shakespeare tutor is from.)
• Realising that I now type with some British spellings.
• Realising that I say "cheers" in a British accent
• Realising that when I read my paper aloud, I read with a British accent.
• Ordering drinks in pubs.
• Going to Cardiff, where the people fawn over an American accent.
• Shopping every day because there's not enough space in the refrigerator to store your food.
• Cooking interesting meals every day (or... when I feel like it).
• Exploring the Mound (aka: the Shire) - which I have yet to do, but Eric promised that we'll go, hopefully next week.
• Seeing "your mum" as a graffiti mark on a wall.
• Hosting "parties" in our house that really just consist of us sitting around going "so when are the people getting here?"
• Seeing Spamalot, where the British accents didn't need to be faked.
• Talking with British people about Burns' Night - and seeing how surprised and impressed they are that an American knows what Burns' Night is! (Thank you, Dr. Bittenbender.)
• Making a "Piña Colada" song to be sung to the tune of "Hakuna Matata".
• Convincing a table of American girls at Coffee Republic that I'm actually English.

And last, but not least:

• Finally finding someone who I can connect with, who is willing to have deep conversations just as often as stupid ones, and who constantly makes me laugh. I've really been missing that in my life, and I wouldn't trade this for the world.
• Holding my own with my professors. Sure, I've had some hard tutorials, where I've walked out and cursed the day that I thought that I could succeed in Oxford, but in the end, I'm pulling B+'s and I know that I can do better. So I'll keep on keeping on, and I'll realise that I'm a freaking genius and I'll try to do better.

I've had some hard days, but I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. Yeah, I have some sad moments, but I feel at home here. I have this sense of belonging, like Oxford was waiting for me. And now that I'm here, it's waiting for me to step up my game. And I only have 27 days within which to do so. Here we go!

Things I could get used to.

First, a quick update. I have now been in England for one month and two days, and I can honestly say that this has been one heck of an adventure. In this short period of time, which has gone by far too fast, I've learned so many things about myself and about culture/history. This past weekend, I travelled to Bath and Stonehenge. Bath was pretty interesting, and I was overwhelmed by the realisation that I was walking on pathways that people walked on thousands of years ago. Wow. Stonehenge was a little bit of a let-down, perhaps because when you look at it in pictures, it looks so spectacular and powerful. In reality, it's a man-made formation of rocks in the middle of a hill that just happen to still be standing after around 4000 years. Interesting, but not as overwhelming as I thought it would be. It is said that Stonehenge was built around 2700 BC, and the earliest known pyramid was built around 3000 BC (by the Brazilians, although there is some speculation that there may have been some pyramids in Bosnia dating back perhaps even 20000 years before that). With that knowledge, Stonehenge was a bit of a let-down, but it's something that I'm so glad that I got to see (plus, it makes for some nice pictures). Anyway, it started to snow while we were in Bath, and that's when I discovered that my warm, fuzzy boots are in no way, shape, or form actual snow boots. I wiped out five times, and at one point, the guys that I was with just took turns letting me hold on to them so I didn't slip into the middle of the street and get hit by a car. It's a little bit funny now, and they certainly had a good laugh about it, but I felt like a complete fool. The blocks that make up sidewalks here get extremely slippery when wet, so I need to be more careful. Also, the Brits don't get too much snow, so they hadn't salted any of the sidewalks. We're supposed to get more snow on Friday, so I'm trying to make sure that I don't have to go out that day (except for a Japanese tea that I'm going to with Gabby).

I just need to write that I adore being here, and I wish that I could stay here forever (a reoccurring desire over the past month). With the exception of one or two late night ponderings, I really haven't missed the States at all. It was hard at first, when I didn't know anyone here, I was in a room by myself, and classes and orientation hadn't started yet. But now, 37 St. Giles is home, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I think that home is where you feel comfortable, and home can move. People say that "home is where the heart is", but I think that it's more than that. I was reading a BBC news article the other day about the importance of homes to humans, and several parts were just so interesting to me: "We depend on our surroundings obliquely to embody the moods and ideas we respect and then to remind us of them. We look to our buildings to hold us, like a kind of psychological mould, to a helpful vision of ourselves. We arrange around us material forms which communicate to us what we need - but are at constant risk of forgetting we need - within." The author concludes the article with the solid statement, "We respect a style which can move us away from what we fear and towards what we crave: a style which carries the correct dosage of our missing virtues."

This article really grabbed my attention because in so many ways, Oxford embodies what I feel like I'm missing in my life back in the States. In general, Oxford is a place of studying and learning, of knowledge and passion, of quiet and serenity. Although this is not true in some cases (enter: pubs and clubs), and although the city centre of Oxford is really just a shopping district, there is indeed a sense of peace here. Everyone who knows me will most likely agree that I can be crazy, wild, unfocused, "out there", and just downright weird. But oftentimes, I act that way because when I am quiet and focused, I'm labeled as "moody". While I enjoy being at a university where I can be in constant connection with friends, I also yearn for a quiet, reflective atmosphere within which I can more accurately observe and meditate upon what I am learning. Oxford offers that.

For a large portion of my life, I enjoyed noise. I loved blaring my music and talking with people and attending loud social events. But now, I'm finding that I miss silence. I miss having a sense of peace in my life. I've squandered time listening to music when what I really want to do is listen to the natural noises of the outside world. If it wasn't so cold outside right now, I would be sitting in the courtyard across the way with my eyes closed, just listening to the world around me. I want to sit in the middle of an open field in the middle of nowhere and just observe my surroundings. Too often, I just see the inside of my dorm room or the few buildings to which I walk. Here, I am surrounded by architecture and great works of art.

My home is here because I've fallen in love with what I've been missing in my life. And although it's still elusive, Oxford also offers students the opportunity to learn self-discipline. Even on a foggy day like today, I can still look around me and feel awe that I am here, I am studying and learning, and I am actually conquering my weaknesses. I honestly wish that everyone could have an opportunity like this because it is truly life-changing. I don't think that I'll ever be able to look at myself the same way again, as I set out to do something new with my life and here I am. What a breath-taking realisation.

I'm off to study for my Shakespeare tutorial, but I think that I just want to reflect on this quote today: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away." I aim to have so many of those moments while I'm here.

Hope everyone back in the States is doing well and that all of my lovely Eastern friends are hanging in there. I love you all so much, and I enjoy hearing about all of the wonderful things that you have been doing. Keep up the good work! Cheers:)

Treading water only works for so long.

Oxford is not like Eastern. Of course, that seems like such a silly and obvious thing to say, and even as I type this, I'm reminded of every possible aspect that sets Oxford apart from most universities in the world. I'm 17 days and 16 hours into term here, and I'm already wondering how I'm going to survive. One thing about Oxford that makes it supremely different from Eastern is that at Oxford, students are expected to jump right in and begin their academic work right away. Like swimming, you meet some resistance from yourself when you first begin -- you're so far away from home, but that doesn't matter because you can just hop on Facebook and talk with people; you're still in "vacation mode" and acclimated to sitting around and watching movies all day because there's nothing else better to do, and that often translates into going exploring or shopping; there are so many new things to do and people to see; and, you're just tired from having days full of doing whatever you want. After a while, you begin to realise that you're going to have essays due at your first tutorial (which is tomorrow and you haven't even begun your reading material), and you have no idea what to expect from your tutors, as they gave you no guidelines. Sure, there may be a syllabus, but it generally states which books you may be reading, and it may give a few extra suggested readings to do. My primary tutor even gave me a list of essay questions that I can choose from over the course of the semester. Other than that, you're tasked with writing a certain amount of words or pages with little guidance but your own research capabilities. Luckily for me, I'm very good at research. I can find almost anything I put my mind to finding. But the point is, you're on your own. There are no daily class sessions around which to schedule yourself, you don't check in with your professor every day (you're lucky to get an email response back from them before your next tutorial session!), and you certainly aren't required to work every day. It seems like a life of freedom...

... until you find yourself reading a Shakespeare play at 2 in the morning for a paper that's due at noon. Cramming is certainly something that I've taken for granted at Eastern because cramming there is like eating ice cream, and cramming here is like eating nails. At Eastern, you can, if you really wanted to, start reading a book the night before you have to discuss it in class. In fact, with 20-200 other students in the class, you could read one chapter from the book and be able to contribute. Here, in a class of one, if you don't have a mastery of the text, you might as well just cancel your tutorial. You're wasting your professor's time, and ultimately, you're wasting your own - instead of completing the work and then having fun, you're really just having fun, wasting time, and then not succeeding anyway. You might as well just go home. And when you show up to a tutorial and hand in a crappy essay that a four-year-old could have written (if four-year-olds knew words like "carnal" and "enchantment"), if you don't feel ashamed, you shouldn't be at Oxford (or you should at least reconsider your motivations).

So I'm slowly realising that I need to make myself a study schedule and actually stick to it. In my pact with Gabby, I wrote that I would allow myself to have some fun after my work is done. For example, there's a trip to Bath & Stonehenge on Saturday that I really want to go on, but if I don't complete my work, I'll not only be behind in one tutorial but I'll have missed an entire study day to get caught up. I was talking with Carl (another guy in my program), and he and I agreed that Oxford really forces you to either accept the fact that you need discipline or give up. Because if you can't accept the fact that you need discipline in your life, there's no way to succeed.

You can only get by on treading water and finishing essays at the last minute for so long. After a while, you realise that you're so burnt out from doing nothing that you shouldn't even pretend that you don't need help. And you'll drown in the work. There's no way past that.

"All I keep seeing is your picture/But I don't wanna see no more."

I'm having a hard time knowing how to title this post because it's really just a mash-up of all of my emotions over the past few weeks (or days... or hours...) and I don't really even know how to begin.

First, an evaluation: I have not spent as much time in the library as I thought I would. Part of that is because I'm lazy and don't feel like walking the fifteen minutes to my college, but part of that is also because I've been getting up at 10 or 11 in the morning, and by that time, I realise that I'm not going to get much done, so I end up giving up before I've begun. For example, last night, I said that I was going to go to bed at 10pm, but then midnight came around and I was so confused where the past two hours had disappeared to (the answer is: youtube videos with Gabby). So I spent Saturday afternoon out and when I came home, everyone wanted to hear how things went. And then I spent yesterday kicking myself for not doing anything on Saturday and proceeding not to do anything anyway. And now I find myself blogging today, still not doing anything but listening to music and cursing my existence. Gabby and I made pacts with each other, which I think will be really helpful. Without going into too much detail (because the pacts are pretty personal), I've vowed to stop over-thinking everything in my life. I have so much trouble focusing in the present and I tend to just start to do what I affectionately call "snow-balling," where I start thinking about all of the bad and stressful things in my life and let them culminate towards utter emotional depletion. Gabby and I have vowed to keep each other in check and accountable to making better decision, and I really appreciate that she and I have connected about stuff like this.

Second, Oxford is already my home. Enter: feeling anxious about the future. Stateside (which I no longer call home, interestingly enough), I was so connected to everyone. I knew what was happening every day, and I talked with my friends every second that I wasn't in class or sleeping. Even though we were all on campus, we were constantly in contact and hanging out and just talking online. Now that I'm away from the States, I hardly hear anything except from a few people. It's a little discouraging because I felt like I had such great connections with people, and now that I'm here, I'm so cut off. I don't even mean "cut off" as in "not in the States" - I honestly have not heard any news or talked with most of my friends since I got here. I'm a very social person, and not having regular class sessions has made me realise how much I miss being around people. Oxford is a bubble - almost everyone here is a student or professor, and the town is pretty much quiet all day. There are two periods of noise here - lunch and dinner. Other than that, I hear about an hour or so of drunk people at night, but that's about it. When I walk onto my uni's grounds, I'm greeted with silence, as all of the freshers are either in the library (which is dead silent, by the way) or in their rooms, studying. Even lunch is generally quiet, with people studying while they eat or just grabbing a quick lunch. There is hardly ever anyone in Hall. But I love that quiet. Sometimes it's hard to get myself motivated to start my work, but it's that quiet that I love to study in.

I've been anxious about everything here, although I'm getting better. The list goes on and on, but some of my particular favourites to stress about are whether or not my tutors will find my work stimulating, engaging, and intelligent, whether or not I can find something to spend my summer doing in order to pay off my debt from this term alone, whether or not I can succeed at a grad school here (heck, whether or not I could even get accepted to a grad school here)... etc. I've been here twenty-five days (!) and I already know that I don't want to leave. I've taken to playing angsty music, a Green Day/Paramore mix, which just makes me more angry, I think.

My biggest fear is failure, and I've always had such a great network of support at home. Suddenly I'm here, thrust into this great abyss where I'm completely responsible for myself and all of my decisions, and I feel utterly alone. I don't mind it most days because I have fantastic housemates. But sometimes... sometimes I just wish that I had friends here who could show me the ropes and help me learn how to set up a proper schedule for myself that would force me to get work done.

I know what I have to do, but it's so hard to make that first step from "fun mode" to "school mode." And seeing statuses and pictures of people back at home and reading about how much fun they're having makes me wish that they were here. Lord knows, I don't want to go back Stateside (ever), but I do miss all of my personal connections. Not hearing from people kills me, and I find it so hard to concentrate, wondering how people are doing and wishing that I had the strength to not care. I don't want to see reminders of life in the States because I wanted to become a better person here. I think I've just found the title of my post... I keep seeing the British version of so many people back in the States, and I don't want to see that anymore. I want to see England and the UK the way that it's meant to be seen, without influence of my twisted past and pain.

These confessions have made me feel a little bit better, but I know that I have a long way to go, and by the time I'm fully acclimated to my position as an academically-minded, passionate student, it'll be time to go home. Term is over in 45 days, and that's hardly enough time for me. I just want to stay here forever. Forget 37 St. Giles - Oxford is my home. I can't even imagine going back to the States because I'm slowly becoming established here (although I'd have an easier time if I could find someone to go with me to Doctor Who Society who actually wanted to hang out with the people there so we could get to know some awesome British folks). I just need to find someone who's willing to be as crazy as I am so that I can become even more established here. But at the same time, I'm afraid of planting roots in the UK when I know that I'll be leaving so soon.

To anyone thinking of studying abroad... plan to be gone for more than three months of school. I'll be here for four months, and one of those months is pretty much over. Although, I can honestly say that I'm happy I chose to come for Eastern's spring term because even though I didn't have much time to prepare to depart for England, that short break didn't kick me as far out of school mode as I think summer would have. Things to consider for those who are interested in studying abroad.

Well, it's a bit past noon and I still haven't started my reading for the day, so I'm off to read Love's Labours Lost and A Midsummer Night's Dream, although I'm sure only one will be read. Hope everyone reading this is doing well, and keep in touch! Please! Love to my friends and family.

Succeeding in Oxford.

Well, I realise that I have been absent from posting for a while, and I apologise. Things here have been pretty overwhelming (in a good way), and so I just haven't had much time to sit down and reflect on everything that I've been working through.

First, I had both of my first tutorial meetings this week with my primary and secondary tutors. I had my secondary tutorial on Tuesday, and the meeting was fantastic! I adore my professor. The tutorial system is interesting because it basically requires students to write a paper for each tutorial meeting, and I regrettably fell behind on my work last week. However, I was able to find some good research material to support my paper, and I think that my professor was fairly pleased for my first essay. I received a 68 on my paper, which threw me off until I found out that a 70 is basically an "A" by Oxford standards. Anything above an 80 is considered "publishable," and it's rare to get anything above an 80. That was comforting to hear, but I'm a bit nervous about how grades will transfer back to Eastern. I'm trying not to think about it for now though. Anyway, I ended up writing about Christian symbolism in Gerard Manley Hopkins' "Sonnets of Desolation," and I thought that the paper was pretty well-written! I did have some places where I could have condensed my thoughts a bit better, but now I know how to improve my next paper.

I applied a lot of what I learned paper-wise from my secondary tutorial to my paper for my primary tutorial. Honestly, I hated my paper for my primary, but my professor said that it was "extremely fluid," so I guess that that's good. I've never had to write footnotes before, but this professor requires them, so that was a new experience. For my paper, I was to reflect on the quote, "Shakespeare's kings were not, nor were meant to be, great men" (Walter Pater). I'll admit, however, that I only spent two and a half hours writing the paper. Honestly, had I spent more time working on the paper, I'm not sure that it would have been any better, but if I hadn't started it at 2 in the morning, I'm sure it would have been a bit more coherent.

Yes, I started my paper at 2am on Thursday morning and finished around 4:30. It was a poor decision, for sure, but it happened that way because I over-scheduled myself on Wednesday with social activities. Steve and some of my housemates went with me to see Spamalot at the New Oxford Theatre, and it was spectacular! I had seen the show on Broadway, but this rendition was still unique and funny. After the show, we came back to the house to prepare for Burns' Night, the celebration honouring the Scottish poet Robert Burns. We had decided to invite people from the OSAP program to join us, but it really ended up being me, Spencer, Kirsten, Sarah, Rachael, and Gabby from the house, as well as Carl, Ricky, Ben, and Eric from over at Venneit Close. It was nice to finally get to hang out with some people from OSAP, although most of them were tipsy, if not drunk, by the end of the night. However, I had a lot of fun drinking my water (yes, I did hold to the "no alcohol" thing). Actually, I do have a fun story: I told all of my housemates that I'm really not interested in drinking at all while I'm here because I really want to be as focused as possible while I'm here, and everyone really respects my decision. I was afraid that they'd be put off by that, but they're all really great.

Love to everyone back home! <3

my list :)

1. You can't grow without pushing your limits.

2. See your mistakes not as personal flaws, but as the source of your most valuable life lessons.

3. Find your direction in life by looking where you want to go, not where you don’t.

4. Know your worth – and accept nothing less.

5. Make this the day you stop dreaming and start doing.

6. In refusing to forgive old hurts, you live them over again. Learn to let go.

7. No one knows what the future will bring. Put your energy into now.

8. Gratitude cannot always change circumstances, but it can help you see beyond them.

9. With rejection comes a decision: you can either turn back or find a new way forward.

10. When you fully inhabit the moment, inspiration is likely to join you there.

11. When you’re overloaded, fight the urge to work harder. Instead, slow down and reflect on what matters most.

12. Finding your way – in the woods, as in life – requires strategy, precision, and a dose of optimism.

13. Embrace the unfamiliar: you can’t get somewhere new without exploring uncharted territory.

14. Personal style says as much about your values as it does about your taste.

15. The mark of true confidence is the ability to look someone in the eye.

16. Rather than battle your emotions, make them your allies. They hold the secret to what drives you – and what scares you.

17. Sometimes difficult things need to be said. Don’t let discomfort silence you.

18. Sometimes our most vulnerable part reveals the strength that sets us free.

19. Other people may have opinions about where your life is headed, but only you have the power to prove them wrong.