"I need more time" = "I just don't think that I'm ready"

I realized today that my current apathy is actually just a mask for my insecurities. One of my biggest fears about going off to Oxford is surprisingly not that I'll be away from home for four months, but that I won't honor my professors in my academic work. Honoring my professors is something that I've always tried to do, though in more recent years, my concept of this has shifted. In high school, I used to think that honoring my teachers just meant that I would treat them with the respect that they deserved (although not necessarily the respect that they earned... note that those are two completely different concepts). However, when I started at Eastern, I realized that honoring one's professors consists of a great deal more than the polite greetings and speaking with deference. Honoring a professor should mean that students take whatever the professor says and try to apply it to their lives and their studies. A student who puts forth his or her absolute best effort and succeeds, whether through personal ability or with assistance from academic support, honors the professor. A student who can experience proper shame over a poor test score because he or she knows that the test score could have been higher with more studying or more thought put into answers honors the professor, especially if the student seeks to improve future scores and grades.

An anecdote to illustrate what I'm talking about: My dad once had a student from Europe in his class who received a low grade on a test. It wasn't a particularly difficult test, although at the time, my dad was teaching statistics, which is a hard subject for someone not mathematically-minded. When the student saw the grade that he had earned (not "was given," mind) on the exam, he stood up and began to leave the classroom. My dad called him back and asked to speak to the student after class. So, after class, my dad sat down with the student and asked him why he had gotten up to leave. My dad assumed that the student was just being rude and had come to class solely to pick up his exam and then leave (I've wanted to do this before... which, I believe, is why teachers hand assignments back at the end of the class period). Surprisingly, however, the student began to apologize profusely for not doing well on the exam and exclaimed that he had dishonored my father in his poor grade.
Sometimes I feel like this student. I earned a B- on several of my papers for one class this semester, but I actively chose not to seek help from the Writing Center. Some of my reservations were pride-related, but in other ways, I just wanted to prove to myself that I could write a half-decent paper. A lot of my friends thought that I was insane (who complains about a B- in a difficult class?), but for me, I felt as if I was dishonoring my professor by not writing better papers.
All that to say, I'm worried about my academic performance whilst at Oxford. People keep telling me to just "enjoy the experience," but I'm trying to reignite my invigorated passion for my studies. Here's to future long hours in the library and well-written papers. Who knows? Maybe I'll pick up a copy of Strunk & White's Elements of Style before I leave and attempt to follow the Oxford student handbook guidelines of writing while I'm at Oxford. Maybe I'll return home with a wealth of knowledge and ace all of my future papers. Unlikely, but at least this time, I'm willing to try.
Anyway, enough procrastinating for today. I haven't really started packing (and I leave in seven days), and I'm also studiously ignoring the fact that I have to deal with bank business and fill out a power of attorney forms before I leave. Who knew how much would be required to study away for just one semester?
As well, I'd love to leave my room in a seemingly habitable state before I leave for Oxford. I absolutely hate leaving my possessions in shambles, strewn across what I affectionately refer to as "the black hole of doom" that is my room. Time to put on some energizing music and tackle the tasks that I have before me in the next week!

"Real-world" Academics

First, let me introduce myself. My name is Beth, and I am a junior at a private university in Pennsylvania. In eight days, I will be boarding a plane bound for England, where I will be studying English literature (my major) at New College, Oxford University for a semester. During the four months that I'm there, I hope to seek a more simple life of studying and reflecting on what I've learned.

Here in the states, I struggle with academic complacency. Honestly, I've struggled with this feeling since high school. I used to have such a passion for what I was learning, be it science, cultural studies, or literature (but never math!) but when I got into high school, I lost a lot of my momentum. "Burnt out" isn't quite the phrase to describe how I began to feel, but as I looked around at my classmates, I noticed that none of them really cared to be in school. None of them craved a true education, the opportunity to branch out and simply learn. Life has a lot to offer, and I've always admired teachers and professors who are able to capture students' interests and bring them together to learn something. But my peers didn't want to learn. They wanted to do their duty and attend school simply to get a grade. I had hoped that college would be my relief from this growing feeling of complacency that I found myself battling, but my hopes were dashed. Although I love my professors, and although many of them have taught me valuable lessons, I again looked around and found that my classmates often didn't really want to learn.
It must be tough to be a professor and realize that your students don't want to be in a university classroom. One day, when I'm in their position, I hope to more fully appreciate all of the work that they do in order to provide ample opportunities for students to learn. Even now, I apologize for how poorly I've applied myself to my studies thus far. To me, Oxford is a retreat into academics, a place to explore why I've become so apathetic about my classes, as well as a place to become reinvigorated. When I return from Oxford, I hope to be more connected to and invested in what I am learning, regardless of the subject.
The truth of the matter is that no matter what your major is, students, every class applies in the "real world." You can always find a purpose for any given subject, even if you find the subject boring. Don't look at school as a preparation for the "real world"; school is the real world, and if you can't see the value in obtaining a degree for any other purpose than to make more money, perhaps you should re-evaluate why in the world you're in college to begin with. Furthermore, a liberal arts university is not going to make you any happier if you can't find value in what you're learning.
Maybe I'll be able to rediscover my passion for academics while I'm in Oxford. I have high hopes for the skill set that I'll have the opportunity to acquire while I am there, and I can only hope that I don't fall prey to complacency and apathy while I'm in the midst of my studies. Here's to the future, which can only be prosperous by learning from the past.


In the timeless words of Cicero, "Nescire autem quid ante quam natus sis acciderit, id est semper esse puerum." To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child.