"All I keep seeing is your picture/But I don't wanna see no more."

I'm having a hard time knowing how to title this post because it's really just a mash-up of all of my emotions over the past few weeks (or days... or hours...) and I don't really even know how to begin.

First, an evaluation: I have not spent as much time in the library as I thought I would. Part of that is because I'm lazy and don't feel like walking the fifteen minutes to my college, but part of that is also because I've been getting up at 10 or 11 in the morning, and by that time, I realise that I'm not going to get much done, so I end up giving up before I've begun. For example, last night, I said that I was going to go to bed at 10pm, but then midnight came around and I was so confused where the past two hours had disappeared to (the answer is: youtube videos with Gabby). So I spent Saturday afternoon out and when I came home, everyone wanted to hear how things went. And then I spent yesterday kicking myself for not doing anything on Saturday and proceeding not to do anything anyway. And now I find myself blogging today, still not doing anything but listening to music and cursing my existence. Gabby and I made pacts with each other, which I think will be really helpful. Without going into too much detail (because the pacts are pretty personal), I've vowed to stop over-thinking everything in my life. I have so much trouble focusing in the present and I tend to just start to do what I affectionately call "snow-balling," where I start thinking about all of the bad and stressful things in my life and let them culminate towards utter emotional depletion. Gabby and I have vowed to keep each other in check and accountable to making better decision, and I really appreciate that she and I have connected about stuff like this.

Second, Oxford is already my home. Enter: feeling anxious about the future. Stateside (which I no longer call home, interestingly enough), I was so connected to everyone. I knew what was happening every day, and I talked with my friends every second that I wasn't in class or sleeping. Even though we were all on campus, we were constantly in contact and hanging out and just talking online. Now that I'm away from the States, I hardly hear anything except from a few people. It's a little discouraging because I felt like I had such great connections with people, and now that I'm here, I'm so cut off. I don't even mean "cut off" as in "not in the States" - I honestly have not heard any news or talked with most of my friends since I got here. I'm a very social person, and not having regular class sessions has made me realise how much I miss being around people. Oxford is a bubble - almost everyone here is a student or professor, and the town is pretty much quiet all day. There are two periods of noise here - lunch and dinner. Other than that, I hear about an hour or so of drunk people at night, but that's about it. When I walk onto my uni's grounds, I'm greeted with silence, as all of the freshers are either in the library (which is dead silent, by the way) or in their rooms, studying. Even lunch is generally quiet, with people studying while they eat or just grabbing a quick lunch. There is hardly ever anyone in Hall. But I love that quiet. Sometimes it's hard to get myself motivated to start my work, but it's that quiet that I love to study in.

I've been anxious about everything here, although I'm getting better. The list goes on and on, but some of my particular favourites to stress about are whether or not my tutors will find my work stimulating, engaging, and intelligent, whether or not I can find something to spend my summer doing in order to pay off my debt from this term alone, whether or not I can succeed at a grad school here (heck, whether or not I could even get accepted to a grad school here)... etc. I've been here twenty-five days (!) and I already know that I don't want to leave. I've taken to playing angsty music, a Green Day/Paramore mix, which just makes me more angry, I think.

My biggest fear is failure, and I've always had such a great network of support at home. Suddenly I'm here, thrust into this great abyss where I'm completely responsible for myself and all of my decisions, and I feel utterly alone. I don't mind it most days because I have fantastic housemates. But sometimes... sometimes I just wish that I had friends here who could show me the ropes and help me learn how to set up a proper schedule for myself that would force me to get work done.

I know what I have to do, but it's so hard to make that first step from "fun mode" to "school mode." And seeing statuses and pictures of people back at home and reading about how much fun they're having makes me wish that they were here. Lord knows, I don't want to go back Stateside (ever), but I do miss all of my personal connections. Not hearing from people kills me, and I find it so hard to concentrate, wondering how people are doing and wishing that I had the strength to not care. I don't want to see reminders of life in the States because I wanted to become a better person here. I think I've just found the title of my post... I keep seeing the British version of so many people back in the States, and I don't want to see that anymore. I want to see England and the UK the way that it's meant to be seen, without influence of my twisted past and pain.

These confessions have made me feel a little bit better, but I know that I have a long way to go, and by the time I'm fully acclimated to my position as an academically-minded, passionate student, it'll be time to go home. Term is over in 45 days, and that's hardly enough time for me. I just want to stay here forever. Forget 37 St. Giles - Oxford is my home. I can't even imagine going back to the States because I'm slowly becoming established here (although I'd have an easier time if I could find someone to go with me to Doctor Who Society who actually wanted to hang out with the people there so we could get to know some awesome British folks). I just need to find someone who's willing to be as crazy as I am so that I can become even more established here. But at the same time, I'm afraid of planting roots in the UK when I know that I'll be leaving so soon.

To anyone thinking of studying abroad... plan to be gone for more than three months of school. I'll be here for four months, and one of those months is pretty much over. Although, I can honestly say that I'm happy I chose to come for Eastern's spring term because even though I didn't have much time to prepare to depart for England, that short break didn't kick me as far out of school mode as I think summer would have. Things to consider for those who are interested in studying abroad.

Well, it's a bit past noon and I still haven't started my reading for the day, so I'm off to read Love's Labours Lost and A Midsummer Night's Dream, although I'm sure only one will be read. Hope everyone reading this is doing well, and keep in touch! Please! Love to my friends and family.

Succeeding in Oxford.

Well, I realise that I have been absent from posting for a while, and I apologise. Things here have been pretty overwhelming (in a good way), and so I just haven't had much time to sit down and reflect on everything that I've been working through.

First, I had both of my first tutorial meetings this week with my primary and secondary tutors. I had my secondary tutorial on Tuesday, and the meeting was fantastic! I adore my professor. The tutorial system is interesting because it basically requires students to write a paper for each tutorial meeting, and I regrettably fell behind on my work last week. However, I was able to find some good research material to support my paper, and I think that my professor was fairly pleased for my first essay. I received a 68 on my paper, which threw me off until I found out that a 70 is basically an "A" by Oxford standards. Anything above an 80 is considered "publishable," and it's rare to get anything above an 80. That was comforting to hear, but I'm a bit nervous about how grades will transfer back to Eastern. I'm trying not to think about it for now though. Anyway, I ended up writing about Christian symbolism in Gerard Manley Hopkins' "Sonnets of Desolation," and I thought that the paper was pretty well-written! I did have some places where I could have condensed my thoughts a bit better, but now I know how to improve my next paper.

I applied a lot of what I learned paper-wise from my secondary tutorial to my paper for my primary tutorial. Honestly, I hated my paper for my primary, but my professor said that it was "extremely fluid," so I guess that that's good. I've never had to write footnotes before, but this professor requires them, so that was a new experience. For my paper, I was to reflect on the quote, "Shakespeare's kings were not, nor were meant to be, great men" (Walter Pater). I'll admit, however, that I only spent two and a half hours writing the paper. Honestly, had I spent more time working on the paper, I'm not sure that it would have been any better, but if I hadn't started it at 2 in the morning, I'm sure it would have been a bit more coherent.

Yes, I started my paper at 2am on Thursday morning and finished around 4:30. It was a poor decision, for sure, but it happened that way because I over-scheduled myself on Wednesday with social activities. Steve and some of my housemates went with me to see Spamalot at the New Oxford Theatre, and it was spectacular! I had seen the show on Broadway, but this rendition was still unique and funny. After the show, we came back to the house to prepare for Burns' Night, the celebration honouring the Scottish poet Robert Burns. We had decided to invite people from the OSAP program to join us, but it really ended up being me, Spencer, Kirsten, Sarah, Rachael, and Gabby from the house, as well as Carl, Ricky, Ben, and Eric from over at Venneit Close. It was nice to finally get to hang out with some people from OSAP, although most of them were tipsy, if not drunk, by the end of the night. However, I had a lot of fun drinking my water (yes, I did hold to the "no alcohol" thing). Actually, I do have a fun story: I told all of my housemates that I'm really not interested in drinking at all while I'm here because I really want to be as focused as possible while I'm here, and everyone really respects my decision. I was afraid that they'd be put off by that, but they're all really great.

Love to everyone back home! <3

my list :)

1. You can't grow without pushing your limits.

2. See your mistakes not as personal flaws, but as the source of your most valuable life lessons.

3. Find your direction in life by looking where you want to go, not where you don’t.

4. Know your worth – and accept nothing less.

5. Make this the day you stop dreaming and start doing.

6. In refusing to forgive old hurts, you live them over again. Learn to let go.

7. No one knows what the future will bring. Put your energy into now.

8. Gratitude cannot always change circumstances, but it can help you see beyond them.

9. With rejection comes a decision: you can either turn back or find a new way forward.

10. When you fully inhabit the moment, inspiration is likely to join you there.

11. When you’re overloaded, fight the urge to work harder. Instead, slow down and reflect on what matters most.

12. Finding your way – in the woods, as in life – requires strategy, precision, and a dose of optimism.

13. Embrace the unfamiliar: you can’t get somewhere new without exploring uncharted territory.

14. Personal style says as much about your values as it does about your taste.

15. The mark of true confidence is the ability to look someone in the eye.

16. Rather than battle your emotions, make them your allies. They hold the secret to what drives you – and what scares you.

17. Sometimes difficult things need to be said. Don’t let discomfort silence you.

18. Sometimes our most vulnerable part reveals the strength that sets us free.

19. Other people may have opinions about where your life is headed, but only you have the power to prove them wrong.

Finding motivation is hard.

I'm completely unmotivated to do any work right now. Not having daily class sessions is one of the hardest things that I'm facing here (and I mean, if that's my biggest problem, you know that I'm faring pretty well). What's hard is that my first essays are due at my first tutorial sessions, and that doesn't give me time to get into school mode and focus my mind the way that I need to.

My work this week is relatively light - I only have to read Richard II, Richard III, and all of the poems by Gerard Manley Hopkins - but my energy is just drained. Part of my fatigue is brought on by the fact that I'm still sick. My cold isn't as bad, but now I'm having trouble with food. It's not very fun to be so sick all of the time, but I'm getting through it. I just can't find motivation! Even while writing this post, my mind is just wandering.

My secondary tutorial is going to be interesting. Instead of Tolkien and Lewis, my tutor and I decided to work on the poems of Gerard Manley Hopkins and Robert Browning, Dickens' Great Expectations, and Bronte's Jane Eyre. I think all of these authors will be really interesting to cover, and I'm looking forward to tackling the challenge of reading Great Expectations (it's only 9000 pages on my Kindle!) because I've never read it before. Anyway, my first essay for that tutorial is due on Tuesday, and it has to be 7-10 A4 page paper. Granted, Christian symbolism in Gerard Manley Hopkins' poems is not a difficult subject to research and dive into, but I'm already behind on my Shakespeare work.

Speaking of, my Shakespeare work is going to be beastly this term. I'm reading Richard II, Richard III, Henry IV (parts I and II), Henry V, Love's Labours Lost, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Twelfth Night, As You Like It, Romeo and Juliet, Julius Caesar, King Lear, Hamlet, Othello, Macbeth, Measure for Measure, The Winter's Tale, and The Tempest. I can hardly believe that in eight weeks, I will have read all of these plays! Each week, I'll write a minimum of 2000 words about these plays, separated into sets (kings, comedies, tragedies).

I just need to not give up before I've even begun. I just need to hang in there and get work done. I made the mistake of going out to a club with my friends on Wednesday night, and I hadn't started reading yet, so like I said, I'm already so far behind. They're going out tonight too, but I'm just not feeling up to it, and I haven't done half of the things and reading that I needed to accomplish today.

Before I left for England, I made a list of nineteen things that I wanted to work on this term, and I'll post them a little later. I've actually accomplished a few of them just by getting on the plane to come here, but I do have a lot to work on.

"Sometimes difficult things need to be said. Don't let discomfort silence you." I'll go into this a bit more later, as I did start working on this before I left for term. But for now, I'll say that I need to say something difficult to myself - maybe I'm not ready for this, but I don't have a choice anymore, in my mind. I got on the plane and I came here, and now that I'm here, I need to throw myself fully into what I'm doing. I could choose not to give this term my very best, but then I might as well move my return trip and just come home.

Anyway, as I'm reflecting on this, I'm also thinking about what an awesome time I had last night at DocSoc, the Oxford University Doctor Who Society. Although it's hosted at 8pm a little under a mile from my house, I went to watch the episodes with my housemate Gabby. I love those guys already, and I only went to one night! I'll definitely be trying to go every week. After DocSoc, they all went to the pub (which I'll try to do next week if I get my work finished in time), but last night, Sarah, Rachael, Gabby and I went out to get ice cream from G&D's Cafe. It's pretty much a UK Ben & Jerry's (although they have that too), and I got Bailey's and Cream ice cream. It was so fantastic! I definitely want to save some money to go there next month if I can. I wish that I could find things like that back home. Although, if I did, I'd have no money left.

Well, I'm off for the evening, and I don't expect anything to get done, but hopefully I can go to bed early tonight and get up early tomorrow to actually work. If I can get all of my reading done tomorrow, I'll be headed to London on Sunday, which would be so awesome (and free)!

Hope everything Stateside is going well, and cheers!

True to your heart.

Okay, I'm going to start off this post with a little bit of a cheesy introduction, just because this how I feel right now and I've learned a few valuable lessons in the past 24 hours.

Last night, I watched Mulan and The Lion King (and my roommate even joined along in a sing-along of sorts as I belted out the words to all of the songs...) and at the end of Mulan, during the credits, there's a song called "True to your heart" and I got tears in my eyes as I listened to it. I've been really struggling with a few things here - the fact that I think all of my housemates drink (it's totally legal, but I still struggle with dealing with the fact that I don't want to drink but they do), how unmotivated so many of the students in my program seem to be, and whether or not I can really utilise all that Oxford has to offer in such a way that I achieve growth. And then I realised that I just need to do what I know is right by me, not by anyone else (abiding by the law, of course).

Anyway, I kind of want to just post some of the lyrics from the song that struck a chord in my heart and then dissect them a bit:

------------------

But you'll never fall

'Til you let go

Don't be so scared

Of what you don't know

------------------

Why second-guess

What feels so right

Just trust your heart

And you'll see the light

------------------

When things are getting crazy

And you don't know where to start

Keep on believing, baby

Just be true to your heart

When all the world around you

It seems to fall apart

Keep on believing, baby

Just be true to your heart

------------------

Okay, first section. I've just been so fearful of how this semester is going to turn out, but I realised that I tend to be more focused on the future than fully living in the present. Yes, it's great to start planning out what I want to do after undergrad, but I really need to be focused on this semester if I'm to succeed. I need to stop being so fearful of what I don't know, whether that covers what I'm going to learn in my tutorial sessions or how this semester is going to turn out or even whether or not I'll get along with my tutors.

But there's also an element of that fear that surfaces when I feel uncomfortable with the things going on in my house, which leads to the second section. My parents don't drink and Eastern is a dry campus, so it feels really weird to be in a house where everyone is constantly drinking or talking about drinking. As well, many of the people in the program are really interested in just drinking all of the time. Eastern's certainly not the most academically rigorous institution, but at least I can say that most of the people I associated with at least attempted to focus on schoolwork. American students especially here are driving me nuts. Some of them are driven, but some of them aren't. Anyway, I digress from the point that when I first got here, I really wanted to drink to fit in. And maybe I'll go out for drinks occasionally during the semester. I thought that I would be boring if I didn't drink. I even bought a 4-pack of Strongbow (which is really weak, by the way - I swear it's the weakest cider you could possibly get), which is currently sitting on top of the fridge. I had one can. I've tried coke and rum, and I've even downed a shot of Smirnoff. But the whole time, something just felt off. Just because I'm of the legal drinking age here doesn't mean that I have to drink. And honestly, as lame as this may sound to some people, I just want to study and explore. I want to dive into Oxford, uninhibited and liberated by my sharp and sober mind in order to get the most out of this amazing place as possible. I'm just not interested in jeopardising my chances at getting the best grade and experience that I can whilst here. So why second-guess my desire to stay away from drinking? There's nothing wrong with drinking. I just don't want to do it.

The third section pertains to the events of today. I finally met my Shakespeare tutor. I really want to email Dr. Blue and ask her if I can Skype into her class this semester, that's how scared I am. Elyse and I freaked out after our initial meeting with this woman. She seems really intense and brilliant, and I just don't know that I can perform to the level that she expects of me. But I'm thinking back to the lyrics - my world was starting to fall apart this afternoon after my meeting with her. But I know that I can do this. If I couldn't, God wouldn't have put me here and I wouldn't have gotten accepted in the first place. A whole host of people had to review my application before I received my acceptance - Lori Bristol, the Oxford Study Abroad Programme staff, and New College officials (I just found out that each college reviewed applications and actually chose who they wanted in their college... and yes, they did turn people down). Out of all of the applicants, I was one of the lucky few. How many people apply to OSAP each year? I don't know. But my program really doesn't have as many students in it as I thought it would. I can do this. I have been accepted, and I know that there are so many people cheering me on.

Deep in my soul, I know that Oxford is really where I am supposed to be, and as cheesy and ridiculous and cliche as this sounds, I am not going to sit here passively and mope. I'm going to kick my cold and get out there and make the most of my time here. After all, I only have 98 more days to make my mark on this great city.

That being said and declarations having been made, I'm going to go to bed now so that I can begin with a clear mind tomorrow. I have a meeting with my secondary tutor at 12:30, and I still don't know where the meeting place is located. Adventure time!

Just a quick shout-out to my friends back home who are starting term today -- you guys are going to have such a great term, and I can't wait to hear about all of the craziness that ensues. I know that life goes on, and I'm sad that I'm not there with you all, but I send my love in my place. Have a great start of term and keep in touch!

A quick weekend update.

Apologies to my readers (but more to myself) for not writing sooner. Orientation has been a whirlwind of events! Wednesday brought tips on how to live in Oxford, a history of modern Britain (Maggie Thatcher was so boss), a library induction into the Bod(leian), and a two-hour walking tour of Oxford. The walking tour was fun, but it was super dark outside, so that was a bummer. On Thursday, I woke up and walked to the Chester House and on to New College for induction. If you're picturing formal robes and a ceremony, shake that picture out of your head like I had to do — induction was just a tour of the grounds and some library information. New College is gorgeous! I can't believe that this is my uni. I'm incredibly lucky. I'll be a part of the JCR (Junior Common Room), which houses a bar that holds socials every once in a while. My college also has a beautiful chapel that holds Evensong, which I hope to attend sometime, and Oxford as a whole has hundreds of clubs and society that students can join, so I have plenty of opportunities to get to meet people. I've already applied to Doctor Who Society!

Anyway, the rest of Thursday consisted of an introduction to British customs, as well as an introduction to English architecture in Oxford. The second lecture was absolutely fascinating! In addition to learning about the differences between Gothic and Classical architecture, we also got the opportunity to see specific examples via a slide show. Walking around Oxford, I was able to spot some of the architectural beauties that the professor showed us in the show, which was awesome! Thursday evening, Gabby (one of my housemates) and I went to New College and ate dinner with Spencer (another housemate) and Rosalee (one of her friends, also a year-long student with OSAP). Dinner was interesting, and it was fun to hear all of the British accents booming in the hall! Sitting at long tables to eat is definitely a new experience, and let it be noted that the Brits like their potatoes...

Friday was more laid-back, as we attended a lecture on libraries in Oxford (where I befriended the head librarian of New College), another lecture on anti-Americanism, and an academic advising session. During the academic advising session, Tim (the academic coordinator for OSAP) gave me the contact information for my tutors. My Shakespeare tutor is Val Dodd, a tutor in English at Blackfriars. I'll meet with her after she comes to lecture us on the Oxford essay and tutorial tomorrow. My other tutor, Dr. John Ballam, is an American, but he has been teaching at Oxford for a number of years and is the director of the creative writing program at Oxford. He seems really nice, but he hates Tolkien and Lewis, the two authors that I wanted to study in my secondary. I have a meeting with him on Tuesday, so we'll see what happens.

This weekend was a free weekend for us, and because I've been really sick with a strong cold, I decided to stay in and take it easy. Rachael (my roommate) and I did go to church this morning at St. Aldate's again, but I think we're going to go to the Russian Orthodox church that's up the street from us next week. I really just want to see as many places as I can while I'm here. St. Aldate's does have a huge undergraduate program though, so I may think about attending that.

Tomorrow is the last day of orientation, and it's packed! At noon (brilliantly late in the day), we'll be getting medical advice for while we're here. After that, we'll hear from Ms. Dodd on the Oxford essay and tutorial, followed by a brief introduction to British government and politics. At 5pm, we'll hear from a student panel about what it's like to be a student here, and then we'll have a party to kick off First Week. I'm really looking forward to the end of orientation and getting on a regular routine.

Anyway, as it's midnight, I'm off to bed because I'm knackered (there's your British word for the day), but hopefully I can post about how my first meeting goes with my tutor tomorrow! Cheers.

MIND. BLOWN.

Okay, so today was the first official day of orientation, and I can't stop freaking out. Getting up at 8:30 when I've been getting up around 11 was interesting, but I did indeed get up. At the office, we got a welcome and introduction to both OSAP and Oxford University, had a lunch break (I had yummy homemade chicken soup, made by yours truly!), and after lunch, we all got inducted to the Bodleian Library. I can't wait to go there soon, and I even got my student card!

Tomorrow will be a great day because we'll finally be inducted into our colleges. I'm in New College, which was founded in 1379. I really can't wait to go through induction and have formal dinners in the hall. If anyone is interested in films that were shot at New College, definitely do a Google search. My college has certainly made some interesting appearances, most notably in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, information about which can be found here.

What strikes me most about Oxford (and the reason for the post title) is, quite simply, the sheer history of this place. I went on a walking tour this evening, and I almost starting crying (I was tearing up, but not full-out weeping). I'm just so overwhelmed by how much has occurred here, and hearing stories about Oscar Wilde with his pet lobster and Bill Clinton with his random wanderings in Blackwell has really struck a chord within me. When I was in the Bod today, I didn't even get to see the books, but knowing that there are something like 11 million books around me and underneath my feet for a good portion of the Oxford streets was just mind-boggling. I don't know how people can come here and mess around, not taking their studies seriously. This place is one of the most beautiful places that I have ever seen, and I've been to some pretty fantastic places. I'm just at a lack of words to describe how connected to the past I feel right now. This is what I've been searching for! The only danger is in the fact that I get severely anti-social when hit with a lot of information and deep, soul-answering observances at once, so I tend to just shut out everything else in order to process. I definitely came back from the walking tour and just sat at the table, staring aimlessly into the existence, and thought about how close I feel to everyone who has ever been here. Years and years and years ago, people fled France and came to Oxford, and now I'm one of the next generations to be allowed the opportunity to study where the elite of the elite studied and walk the same paths that they walked. And my small, little, unimportant brain, which pales in comparison to the geniuses from Oxford, can't even comprehend how much history is packed into such a small area.

Well, I'm wiped out from the lack of sleep last night (four hours, plus I'm getting a cold) and all of the activities that went on today, and I want to make sure that I'm well-rested for induction tomorrow. Good night, friends. I really do miss everyone Stateside, but I wish that everyone could have an opportunity like this one!

Mailing information.

So a lot of people have been asking me how to send letters to me in the UK (yay, mail!) and I finally have an answer for you.

Yes, my house is located at 37 St. Giles Street. But there are four other doors labeled as such and only one gets to me.

Therefore, ALL MAIL should be sent to:

Bethany Dahlstrom

C/O WISC & OSAP

3rd Floor, Chester House

21-27 George Street

Oxford

OX1 2AY

United Kingdom

Yes, it's lengthy. Yes, it'll cost about $1. But this is the only address that will work to send me mail. Hopefully, I'll hear from some of you, as it's always nice to get mail and know that I have support (although for those of you who don't want to pay the dollar, feel free to email me: bdahlstr@eastern.edu). Peace, people. I'm off to bed, but I wanted to let you all know how to contact me. Cheerio, mates, and a good night to all!

A day of rest.

Today, I am finally just sitting down and taking most of the day off. Instead of running around Oxford like the crazy American that I am, I'm just taking it easy in my room, organizing and listening to music. Actually, everything is put away... I'm just making sure that I know where everything is and using Febreze on everything (the traveler's best friend). Today, I'll probably try to figure out how to use the washer and dryer (we have two dryers because it takes 1-2 hours to dry things here). It's actually nice to have the time to just dance around my room to "This City" (not the best song, but I do wish that I could stay here for the rest of my life).

Speaking of staying here for life, I'm actually surprised how quickly I moved through the emotional stages of studying abroad. Maybe it's because I just generally don't do grief and it'll all just hit me later, but I've acclimated rather well during the past few days. There are generally four stages of cultural adjustment when studying abroad (copied from this study abroad guide, but these are widely accepted):

Stage 1: The Honeymoon Stage

Everything you see is interesting and exciting. Sure, you are having trouble navigating the transportation system, but you are generally happy and enjoying your new adventure.

Stage 2: The "Everything is Difficult" Stage

Going to the post office, the bank, the grocery store, everything seems hard! People stand to close to you in line, no one is ever on time, you are sick of taking the bus an hour to class. Daily life is a challenge because everything is new and your cultural comforts may be clashing with your host culture's. As a result of these frustrations and challenges you may feel homesick, angry, bored, or depressed.

Stage 3: the "Hey! I am Figuring this Out" Stage

Cultural adjustment is fun! You are learning and using local slang in everyday conversation, you are making friends with the host-country nationals and last week you made a joke that they understood! At this stage you are becoming more confident in the culture and you are excited to learn more.

Stage 4: The "It Feels Like Home" Stage

You are finally feeling adapted. Your accent is sounding less and less foreign everyday, you are craving the local food and you hardly ever trip getting on the bus anymore.

So I've been going through these stages very quickly, or at least, more quickly than I had thought that I would. The first day, I went through the first stage. Just looking out of the window of the bus was so exciting, and I couldn't believe that I was finally in England! But then, that night, when my entire house was quiet and I was sitting in my room by myself in the dark, it hit me that I can't go home for four months. I'm stuck here. If I'm in trouble or miss my family, I can't just run home. I can't hug my friends or play with my puppy. And falling asleep at 6am didn't help with my personal emotional roller coaster.

That stage lasted for about a day or two. After exploring with Sarah, Chris, Steve, and Elyse for a few days, I'm feeling much better about being here. I generally know where everything is, which is an advantage that I'll have over people who are just arriving today, and I've had time to adjust to the time change. Sure, it's not quite like home, but if I have any problems, I know where to go and how to work things out. At first, trying to listen to the Brits was a little hard because some of them have really thick accents, but I'm generally very good at understanding people, and my brain is already starting to adapt to some of the thicker accents. I'm also starting to be able to distinguish the different areas that an accent is from. British isn't just British; a girl from Liverpool has a very different accent than someone from the West End of London. Yes, you can tell if someone has a British accent, but even within British accents, as with American accents, vowels and the length of certain words vary, and my love of linguistics is definitely kicking in!

Anyway, I've pretty much moved on to the last stage. Like I said, it's likely that in a few weeks, I'll be back to square one, but right now, I'm enjoying the fact that I'm here, I'm oriented, and in a few days, I'll be formally inducted into my college. More than that, I absolutely cannot wait for tutorials to start! Now that I know that a "satisfactory" transfers in as an "A", I'm not so worried about killing myself academically. That's not to say that I'm not going to work hard, but after looking at Oxford's grading system, I was ready to give up a few days ago. I can see the danger for students who travel here... Not showing up to tutorials is even more prevalent than not showing up to class in the States. Because tutorials aren't as often as a regular class in the States, students can get caught up in the history, mystique, and low drinking age that Oxford provides. But I'm ready to begin. I have my notebooks and school supplies in order, and I'm so ready to just begin. Thank goodness that orientation begins tonight with drinks! I just need this process to begin!

Just a quick shout-out to my mom, as it's her birthday. I love you, Mom!

And I hope that everyone else back home is doing well too. Off to work out my budget for the semester and write out some letters. Counting down the hours and minutes until I get to go start my orientation activities!

Familiar faces and necessities.

Today was rather a lazy day, which I appreciated. I should note that my definition of "lazy" in this moment is that I didn't purposely run all over Oxford exploring. Last night, I got an email from Ms. Mackin (from DCCS, my high school) that she, Mr. Smalley, and a number of students were in Oxford for the evening and church this morning. I must admit that I wasn't going to go to church (I'm so exhausted from all of the walking that I've been doing), but I really wanted to see them, so I met up with them. The church was only a few blocks from my house, and the service was great! I may end up going again. The only problem was that I misheard the preacher when he mentioned which line of Communion had actual wine. I got in the wrong line (the one that had real wine - and I really do mean that that was a mistake!) so I was totally unprepared for the swig of the most bitter wine I have ever tasted. It took all of my self-control not to start coughing as I walked back from the front of the church. While there, I connected with a girl who's working on her "grad" level work to become a teacher. She's from Liverpool, but her program is in Oxford. She seemed really nice, and I had this epiphany that if I want to make some close friends at Oxford, church might just be a great way to do it! I had wanted to go to a different church every week for the experience, but I'm loving St. Aldate's.

After church, I met up with Sarah, Elyse, and Steve and we went to the Eagle and Child for my first official taste of fish and chips (and British, at that). Spending time with these guys has been so awesome! I love how close we're getting. After lunch, we went to get Sarah a phone (she got the same one that I bought yesterday) and then I got some toiletries from this awesome store called "Poundland." Essentially, it's a dollar store, but with pounds. But they sell full-size bottles of Herbal Essence shampoo and conditioner, and other such things, for a pound each. We were going to explore the other half of Oxford that we haven't even looked at, but we're all pretty wiped out.

I'm actually about to sit down to a light dinner of pasta with a little bit of melted butter, as today and the past few days have REALLY worn me out. My roommate is probably going to move some of her stuff in tomorrow, and I'm really excited to meet her! I think that living here for four months will pass by too quickly. I already can't believe that I've been here almost four full days! Honestly, it feels like I just got here, but at the same time, I feel like this place is already becoming home for me. I know shortcuts to get to different places and where to find good deals on things. I also learned how to not blow the fuse that knocks out power and internet to the whole house again... See? I'm already like a native. British accent to follow.

Finally settled in!

Well, I've finally arrived in England, gotten my room assignment, and completely unpacked, which is a nice feeling. It has taken me a while to update the blog because everything has been happening so quickly. I almost can't believe that I'm here at all! I'm living at 37 St. Giles Street in Oxford, which was built around 1789. If you look up pictures, don't be fooled by the red door- it's actually blue, and it's one of three or four doors labeled "37" (which was highly confusing).

Getting here was a bit of an adventure. Elyse and I had a pretty good flight, despite the bumpy parts where there was a lot of wind (I hate flying, so I put on my Lord of the Rings soundtrack and pretended that I was a Nazgûl... it made for some interesting dreams). We arrived about 20 minutes earlier than expected, and navigating the airport was a little stressful. We flew in to Terminal 5, which is where the busses are, but instead of getting off of the plane at the actual terminal, the airline bussed us from the plane to the terminal. And then, we had to go through customs. The customs lady gave me quite the scare because everyone else was moving through so quickly, but she kept asking me why I was coming into the UK. I think that I wouldn't have been so stressed out if she hadn't been questioning my attendance at Oxford ("Where are you studying?" "Oxford University." "But your paperwork says WISC." "Yes, they work with Oxford to get students to come in." "So you're really not studying at Oxford, so what are you doing?") and I'm so thankful that that's over. Once we got through customs, we picked up our luggage and tried to navigate to the bus (coach) stop through heavy wind. The bus arrived EXACTLY as we got there, and the driver threw our luggage underneath the bus, and we were off to Oxford! The bus ride was only about an hour and a half long, and then we had to drag our suitcases to the taxi lane (through an open market, where I, at least, was gawked at for my luggage...) and from there, we hailed a taxi to the Chester House around the corner where OSAP's offices are located. Included in the welcome packet that we picked up were keys and a 50-page guide to studying through OSAP. I have yet to finish reading the packet, honestly, but I'll probably end up reading it tonight.

The taxi dropped off Elyse at the guesthouse where she'll be staying for a few days until her house is ready, and then the taxi driver attempted to find my house. I say "attempted" because of something I mentioned earlier - there are four or five doors labeled "37" on St. Giles. Apparently, parts of the building are used as offices, which all have the same number above the door. So the taxi driver dropped me off at one of the doors which turned out to be a kind of sketchy alleyway. I was a little confused, but tried to press on, until a lady came through a door in the alley and told me that my house was actually next door. I finally found the right place, which is a beautiful three-story house, and walked inside. I was pleasantly surprised by the size of the house, and we even have a backyard and deck area! The house also has a double kitchen, which just means an 8-burner stove, a full table for eating (seats 6), and lots of cupboard space. There is only one dorm-size fridge though, so sharing with nine other people is going to be interesting.

My room is on the third floor of the house, which means carrying my suitcases up a ton of stairs, but thankfully, there were some nice people in the house who were willing to help! So far, I think that there are six people living here, including myself. Two of them have been here since September, and one is the German grad student who has lived here for two years. Sarah and Chris, who both live downstairs, just moved in on the same day that I did, and we've been hanging out a lot. The first day basically consisted of drinking a lot of tea, mostly unpacking, and staying up until 6am. I wasn't trying to stay up so late, but being in a quiet room by myself made me start thinking a lot, which wasn't so great. I also blew an outlet with my adapter, which we think might have knocked out the internet and half of the house's power, so that was interesting. But we figured out that you can't leave a plug in the outlet for too long, or else it overheats.

Anyway, I've figured out that you have to fall asleep before 3am or else there's no hope at all. Around 2 or 3, the people who have gotten drunk at the various pubs on my street start walking (stumbling) down the street, "singing" (really just a nice way of saying "yelling with horrendous noise"). They quite down around 4 or 5, which is when the morning commute starts around here. As my house is located on a major road, it gets noisy.

So yesterday, my housemate Sarah and I, along with Elyse, went out for a little shopping and met with our academic advisor, Tim. Tim encouraged us to go on this boat ride on the Thames and promised us that we would get to see the city skyline lit up. The ride was meant for a group of 50 California students who had been here for a three-week visit. Unfortunately, the boat ride turned into a party boat, which was a really interesting experience. A lot of the guys came over and talked with us, and all of the people around us ended up getting really drunk. The three of us stayed upstairs as long as we could, before the cold drove us downstairs, but the behavior of the other students was quite appalling. I don't think that I've ever been so ashamed about being a US citizen as I was last night. I don't really care to go into details about the actions of these other students, but suffice to say, enough of them needed serious help getting off of the boat that I'm glad that they leave today. I know that other students who come to Oxford will be drinking, but I can honestly say that if I drink, it'll be moderate and not stupid. I don't understand why people would come to a world-renowned university and pay a ton of money to get drunk and complain about how tough the classes are. I was a little discouraged last night, but I'm hoping that today will make me feel better.

Steve arrived yesterday, so he came over and hung out for a bit at the house. Today, Steve, Elyse, Sarah, and I are all hanging out and exploring Oxford. Chris might come too, but I'm not sure. We're basically planning to just take a map and go, which will be so much fun! I also want to try to get a cell phone while I'm out, just so that if I needed to make a call, I could. We found this awesome cell phone place yesterday that has some really cheap plans, so I'm excited.

Well, it's off to breakfast for me, and hopefully I can post some pictures this evening! Hope everyone stateside is doing well, and I really do miss everyone (I'm just trying not to dwell on it).

*EDIT* My house is on some historical tours, so here's a link to some of the historical information about my house: 37 St. Giles.

Finalizing plans and moving on.

This morning I woke up to a startling revelation: I leave for England today. At 10pm tonight, I'll be boarding a British Airways plane and getting to my seat with the lovely Elyse and then leaving the United States.

Honestly, I still can't believe that this is happening. Here we are, sitting at the airport as I finish my final blog post in the USA. Craziness. Thankfully checking only took a few minutes and oddly (although I'm not complaining), security only took a maximum of ten minutes because we got there right before it closed. So we're sitting in the airport talking about how long until we board and what Oxford is going to be like (not in the 27 degree fahrenheit zone).

Actually, the perfect thing just happened... "God Only Knows" just came on in the terminal and it reminds me of the movie "Love, Actually" (which takes place in England). The song itself plays at the end of the movie, which shows shots of people at the Heathrow airport hugging each other. I just love that movie for so many reasons.

Anyway, this is my post for the evening. I can't believe that in just a few hours, I'll be in London, grabbing my bags, jumping on a bus and heading off to Oxford. Everything just seems so unreal. I can't even believe that the process has started. I'm excited to see where this goes. Goodnight, all. Next time I post, I'll be in England!

2 days, 4 hours, 56 minutes... and my brain is calculating the seconds.

It has gotten that bad - I've started mentally counting down the second until I board my plane. Never mind that in exactly two days, I'll be getting out of a car at the airport and nervously making my way through customs (I don't like airlines, but it's nice to know that there is some security). No, knowing that I'm two days away isn't good enough for me. I've got to count it down to the seconds.

I've finished packing and such, but the preparations never seem to end. First, I ended up having to buy another suitcase so I could take some sweaters. So I've now got two checked bags, one carry-on, and one purse/laptop case. I don't want to take so much, but it seems unavoidable. I've met my roommate online, and she's really awesome. She's from Belgium, but she attends college in the States. I think we'll get along swimmingly, and it's nice that my term start date was messed up and I'm arriving early because now I know that I'll have four days to settle myself in until she arrives. I still have to fill out the power of attorney, and Dad was going through all of the "loss of life" information with me on the health attorney form. Which brings me to my next point:
I am most definitely a "worst-case scenario" type of girl, and not in the good way. For example, when I travelled to Germany once, my dad, trying to soothe my anxiety, made the mistake of asking, "What's the worst that could happen?" My twenty-minute explanation ended with something to the effect of, "- and that's when the zombies finally broke the iced-over glass in the Heathrow airport and started devouring the defenseless travelers." Yeah, he made a point not to ask me for a worst-case scenario this time around.
So anyway, I still have to get my forms notarized. But everything's finally in one place, which is nice! I'm always so disorganized and I can never find anything, so it's delightful to finally have all of my paperwork in one place and sorted through, and last night, I ended up cleaning my room out so that I wouldn't leave a mess while I'm gone. I don't think that I have any other travel-related things left to do, but I do have one major project that I'm working on tonight that I need to finish for tomorrow...
I'm applying for a summer internship with The Chronicle of Higher Education. I am so very excited for this opportunity to apply, as writing for the journal would be very prestigious. As I want to publish both pre- and post-undergraduate graduation, this chance at writing for one of the most well-known journals in the country (world?) is mind-blowing. So right now, I'm just trying to finish my resume and get to work on writing a cover letter (which I need to finish tonight so I can overnight my application to Washington DC tomorrow). One of the things that I'm currently bemoaning is the fact that things blew up with the newspaper last year. A lot of it was my fault, as I'm coming to terms with, but a lot of what happened could have been avoided if the process of editing and reviewing had been followed properly. I'm not saying that my article from last semester is going to hinder my chances of writing for The Chronicle, nor am I saying that I wish I hadn't written my article last semester... In fact, despite the pain, I think that the controversy was good for me.
Have you ever had one of those moments where you start ranting to a group of friends about something and about half-way through your rant, you realize that you've offended someone very dear to you because of the way you phrased a certain sentence? Enter: my article last year. I took something that I was passionate about (lowering academic standards) and responded to an article that no one else had read, used poor phrasing, and ended up hurting the people that I was trying to help. But it's more than that. I realized, in those few weeks of being forced to keep silent, that we all read things with blinders, even when trying to confront something with an open mind. We come in with prior experience, certain doctrinal beliefs and moral values, and cultural differences. Can anything ever truly be looked at objectively?
Critical Theory has taught me that proponents for new criticism have said that we can. Readers can approach and analyze a text using only what is found within the text itself, using no outside sources, such as historical context, feelings, etc. Can the same be applied to ideologies? Ideologies in themselves generally appeal to a specific group of people. Applying this to my article, students (or faculty) who want to raise academic standards are generally those who don't feel challenged enough by the academic material and content available to them. Students who are struggling academically probably don't want to raise academic standards. However, this is where personal reactions come in to play. As an academic institution, Eastern has a responsibility to its students to provide and rigorous and challenging course of study, so that students might become well-rounded individuals. As a Christian institution, Eastern believes that it has the responsibility to help students who may be struggling in their academic work but who have the ability. I won't say anything more about this conflict (although I'm not saying that the two concepts are mutually exclusive) in this blog because it's not the direction in which I find myself wanting to go here, but I'll end with this: Oxford is a well-known, scholarly, academically rigorous institution that cultivates an environment meant to foster individual learning. Oxford is an undoubtedly successful institution.
Can I live up to its standards, or will I just serve to prove that Americans from institutions less rigorous than Harvard, Yale, and Stanford are as unintelligent and ignorant as they are believed to be? What message will I leave with this classy and renowned university?