This week, I went through one of the most emotionally painful experiences that I have ever had to deal with: the betrayal of a friendship and the final nail in the coffin on a rather messy almost-breakup that happened last term. I say 'almost-breakup' because this guy and I were never really dating, so it wasn't really a break-up. But... it might as well have been. In fact, had I treated it as a break-up when it first happened, I probably wouldn't have felt as betrayed as I did when I found out that the girl that I considered to be one of my best friends and confidant here in England is hooking up with this guy that I had never really healed from. Nothing can quite adequately describe the feeling of being told that your best friend has just betrayed you to such an extent, short of saying that it was like being punched in the gut with a jet plane.
So this week has been incredibly difficult to handle for me. Usually I just push everything aside and pretend that I'm okay. But it was so powerfully painful that I had no choice but to heal from it. And part of healing, for me, is writing. So here's what I've composed. Here, I give you, 'Five ways to say "fuck you" to an ex.'
1) Eat a pint of ice cream. By
yourself.
There is nothing quite as
relaxing or satisfying as devouring an entire pint of ice cream by yourself. As
a woman, I feel like there are so many expectations to look fucking amazing and
be skinny when you’re with someone; you want to look your best, or maybe, like
me, you want to feel like you belong with that person. It’s a terrible mindset
to subscribe to and it’s absolutely not fair to you. (Why should YOU feel like
you need to put so much effort into looking your best? He should be putting in
the same amount of effort!) Maybe ice cream isn’t your thing. Maybe it’s pizza
or fettuccine alfredo (Kate Winslet in The Holiday, anyone?) or a White Russian
or some spicy Indian food or some fucking Chinese takeaway. You get it and you
eat it or drink it or throw it in his face.*
*This outlet is not advised and
may cause further complications (such as a harassment charge). But the satisfaction of watching melted ice
cream drip down his face… Maybe just picture it. Because honey, he is not worth the
$5.
2) Put on something cute and go
for a walk outside. And then rock those sweats and a comfy tee when you get
back!
If it’s sunny outside, go for a
short walk, even just around the block. Find your most adorable summer dress
and put on some light makeup (don't go overboard - you want to remind yourself that you're beautiful just being your natural self). Enjoy yourself. Take a camera with you and snap
some pictures of wildflowers. Take some shameless selfies as you soak up the
positive energy around you. As you walk, think about your relationship. It’s
going to be hard. You’re going to want to focus on anything other than what
happened. But exercising induces endorphins, which stimulate your brain and
help you to process your feelings and emotions. Trust me on this – I’ve been on
enough hikes that ended in uncontrollably sobbing to know. I’m the most
vulnerable when I’m focusing my mental energy into strenuous exercise, so
sometimes, when I can feel myself suppressing my feelings, I’ll go for a long
walk or opt for a more difficult elliptical sesh. And then I just let myself
cry. It’s cathartic, and it really does help. So go for a hike. Take your iPod
and crank up your most bad-ass Bey and RiRi tunes on breaking up with assholes
who don’t treat you right. Tackle a hill to the sound of Green Day’s Boulevard
of Broken Dreams. And then come home, soak yourself in a hot shower, and let
all of those emotions melt away. Change into sweats, wrap yourself in your fuzziest blanket (or build a pillow fort!), and watch re-runs of your favourite television show. Start watching Whose Line is it Anyway? and fall in
love with laughter. Drink a cup of tea. Remember how nice it feels to love
yourself.
3) Text a friend for a film.
Part of getting through a tough
break-up is having a support group. Often, if you feel like the majority of
your friends were mutual friends, you may also feel like your friends have
started choosing sides. Best friends shouldn’t, but it’s always hard not to.
Don’t harbor resentment towards those who drift away; you don’t need a reminder
of your ex in your life, and if they want to be friends with him, it can be
super awkward to be placed in the middle of your break-up. Imagine how you
would feel if you were placed in that position. You want to be there for both
people, but that stretches your emotional capacity further than may be healthy.
So let them go if they want to. Don’t make them choose. You’ll find more
friends, better friends, who will love you and be there for you. You’ll find
out that some people are even better friends than you ever could have imagined.
Be open with your friends. Let them know how you’re feeling. If you need
company, text one of them. Ask them over for a film night. Find some creative
popcorn seasonings and try them out. Dance it out to your favourite songs. Talk about you. Talk about them. Make
crazy plans together and travel around the world in your dreams. Cuddle while
you watch the film and revel in the feeling of closeness with someone. Remember
that intimacy doesn’t have to be romantic.
4) Get a group of gals together
and go to the bar for a girls’ night.
Maybe one-on-one time isn’t
satisfying for your need for companionship. Maybe you need something more. Maybe
you need an all-out girls’ night. Ask one of your friends to be the designated
driver, get a group of gals together, and put on your finest clubbing dress.
Get dolled up and just enjoy the night together. Tell your ladies not to let
you flirt with the guys at the bar – you need to heal and have some time being
single, and rebound hook-ups just complicate things. We’re emotional creatures.
Talk about how everyone is doing. Gossip. Talk trash about your ex (trust me,
getting it out with a group of ladies that you trust can do wonders for you).
Plan another night out or a picnic or a Pride & Prejudice tea, complete
with cakes. Enjoy their company and let them all crash back at your place as
you fall asleep to The Lion King.
5) Don’t purge memorabilia too
quickly.
One of the things that gal pals
are good for is trash-talking your ex and saying that he is the worst scum of
the earth and that you need to get rid of everything that reminds you of him.
And to an extent, they’re right. Delete those pictures off of Facebook, no
matter how many likes or comments they got. Take the pictures of him off of
your wall and throw them out. Delete those saved text messages and block the
fucker on Facebook. Scientific studies say that technology hinders our ability
to heal from break-ups because we’re so easily able to pull up old pictures and
emails and dwell on them. But what about those books he gave you or the teddy
bear that he bought for you to cuddle with when he’s not there or the CD he
gave you before you went to a concert? It’s hard to part with these things, but
you need them out of sight to begin healing (out of sight, out of mind,
right?). Put them in a shoebox and hide them under your bed or in a closet. Ask
a friend to take them for you, if you’re worried that you’ll pull them out
again. In two months, think about them again. See if you really miss them or
just the memories attached to them. Leave them where they are. Pull them out in
another few months and see if you’re ready to part with them. Maybe the CD can stay,
in case you lose the songs imported onto your computer. But you’ll probably be
ready to part with that plushie. And babe, you will feel all the better for it,
I can promise you that.
