When I fall in love, it will be forever.

Well, here I am again, a blog post long overdue (I was intending to publish this just a few days after my last one), but at least I’m publishing one at all – this is mainly just to say hello to my friends and family back Stateside and to remind them that no matter how much I want to evade the police here and gallivant across the UK for an unmentionable amount of time, I will indeed be getting on a plane in just a week to come back to you all. I’m not sure why, but I suppose that coming back is necessary. The closer I get to my departure date, the more the realization that I’m leaving England hits me and the more I feel gloomy. Everyone told me that I wouldn’t want to go back to the States after being in England, and while part of me accepted that fact as truth, part of me also thought that I would want to come back to see people. And while I do miss a lot of people right now, I can’t even imagine leaving this place. Here, I have the freedom to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, but I also am required to take responsibility to own up to the consequences that all of my decisions have. While this is certainly true in the States, I enjoy being on my own here in England. I enjoy what I perceive to be a sense of complete freedom. Although financially, staying here is not an option, I somewhat think that I might actually try to get a work visa when I come back during my Master’s program. That way, at least I can support myself. But there I go again, trying to plan out my future so far in advance. Sometimes I wish that I could more fully appreciate living in the moment because my mind always seems to be thinking so far out in the future that I tend to forget about conditionals – getting accepted into a Stateside university for my Master’s, working enough to save up for just housing in Oxford, graduating from my BA program at all! So many things stand between me and where I want to be. But for now, I’ll just focus on the fact that I’m here and I never want to leave.

Anyway, more “homesick” reflections later. My grades finally arrived from Oxford! I received an A from my secondary tutorial (not a surprise) and an A- in my primary tutorial (definitely a surprise)! Both of my tutors had wonderful things to say about how they felt that our tutorials went, and I was so appreciative of their praise. I tend to get down on myself because I don’t feel like I’m smart enough to even be in college, but it’s people like my tutors, particularly Dr. Ballam, who remind me that I am worth something in the academic world, even if I still need a little bit of refinement – that is what uni is for, anyway. So my grades were a decent surprise, and although I know that I could have achieved higher marks in my primary, I’ll take what I can get and do better next time.

Academics aside, Aaron has finally arrived, and we spent three and a half days in London. I’m writing this post on the bus on the way to Oxford. We’ll spend a few days in Oxford, where I’ll show him all of my favourite “haunts” (especially the pubs… my all-time favourite place to be!) and then we’re off to Stratford-upon-Avon. I’m very excited that he’s finally here, although his visit is a little bittersweet because it means that I’m leaving soon. I’m afraid that some of my frustration has been taken out on him, so I’m just trying to avoid being mean and angsty, when all I really want to do is go back to 37 St. Giles and curl up in a ball in the basement and never leave. Pathetic, right? Well, enough whinging from me. I can’t wait to get into Oxford and say my final goodbyes as I show my brother what the good life is all about in my favourite place.

I’m hoping to use train time in order to keep people posted on how I’m doing and track my reflections over the next week as I mentally prepare myself for departure, but in case I completely forget to keep in touch, I can’t wait to see everyone when I return, and please email me if you want to get together when I get back! Lots of love. Ta!

Post-term blues.

Well, the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity, what with completing term, visiting Dublin for St. Patrick's Day, and running around Europe on my Contiki tour. Although I was going to go to a few places after my tour, I came back home and realised that bronchitis puts a damper on doing anything other than sleeping. Since I arrived back home, I've been in the midst of packing, stressing about packing, and throwing tantrums about how I don't want to pack (more on that later). But, I'm finally packed, and I'm headed out to the airport in a bit to check my suitcases so that I don't have to tote them around when Aaron gets here in (gasp!) SIX DAYS! I'm so excited to travel around England with him! Anyway, I'm going to Belgium with Rachael and Elyse from the 10th-13th, so I don't want to have to worry about taking all of my bags to the airport on the 14th. And in seventeen days, I'll be embarking on my journey back to the States.

I'll be writing another blog post later (maybe tomorrow, maybe in three years when I remember) that will contain reflections - what I've learned since I arrived in the UK and things that I have accomplished. However, here is a brief overview of how life has been academically (since that's what I really came here for and that's what is most important to me). I completed my secondary tutorial with a decent mark - an Oxford A is a 70, and the average of my four papers (so, my final grade) was a 70.25. I am pleased with that mark because I received a 75 on my last paper - over a 70, and an 80 is considered publishable! My tutor also gave me some suggestions of where I can look to publish, and he told me that he will write me a recommendation letter if I ever need one! He also said that he loved my final paper, so overall, I was very excited for my mark in that tutorial. Dr. Ballam is perhaps one of the best professors that I have ever had the opportunity to work with, and I'm so glad that I was able to have a tutorial with him.

I'm still confused about what my grade will be for my primary tutorial because of the nature of the Oxford Greek grading system. For example, I received a beta beta alpha on my final paper, and I have absolutely no idea how that will transfer into Eastern. I believe that my grade will be somewhere around a B. I'm not too concerned about it. In my reflections, I'll go into more detail about it, but I do wish that I had done better. However, I can say that my tutor, Val Dodd, really encouraged me to think more abstractly and more in depth about Shakespeare. I encountered and interacted with the texts in a lot more detail than I would have had I read all of the plays on my own. Her questions for my papers caused me to more carefully read the plays, and I really appreciated that. Though I found the tutorial difficult, and at times, frustrating, I believe that I came out of the tutorial a better student in many ways. So although my grade is a little ambiguous for that tutorial, I don't regret taking it here with her.

My post-term travels are another post entirely, but I'd like to close this post with a short explanation of why I'm suffering from post-term, whiny, depressing blues. I don't want to leave. It's as simple as that, although in some ways, it's so much more complicated. Oxford has become my home. Maybe I just easily move around to places and become emotionally attached to them, but I know Oxford. I've given tourists directions on how to get places and provided tips on the best times to go. I know how to walk past porters into colleges like I attend them. I know where to get anything I need, and I know how to live on any kind of budget I want. I've dreamed of coming to Oxford since I was fairly young, never fully believing that I could get myself here. In many ways, I simply gave up academically because I never thought that I could ever achieve something so amazing. I know that I wasn't admitted as a full student to a uni in Oxford, but the fact that I was able to become associated with a college and study under an Oxford tutor is mind-boggling. The only reason that I'm not trying to evade UK immigration so that I can stay here is just knowing that when I apply for my Master's, I'll have a better GPA and a more interested way of approaching my studies. I am planning on tacking on an extra year of undergrad in order to get my GPA up to where I want it to be, but I realised that even if I end up going somewhere like Penn State for my Master's, there's no reason why I can't spend a year here through OSAP or a similar program (although I did enjoy OSAP). I'm learning that anything's possible if I really want to do it. I can take what I've learned and realise that I have so much potential. I don't want to let this energy go. Because of what I've learned here and because I'm simply here, I know that I can do whatever I put my mind to. I just need to unlock and harness that potential.

Anyway, off to the airport now, but I'll most likely have another post within the next few days before I leave for Belgium. My post-term travels were AMAZING:) But ta for now, dear friends, and I'll be back in the States before you know it. Lots of love to everyone in the States!