Don't look back. Never look back.

In the past few weeks, I've been tripped up by my past so many times. I guess that I came to England expecting to be someone new, someone who wasn't as awkward, clumsy, and outspoken as I am back home. And I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that just because I stepped off of a plane onto another country's soil does not mean that I'm going to automatically be someone different. It's hard to come to terms with. This past weekend, I basically spent Saturday planning out my schedule for the next two years (because I'll be adding an extra year at Eastern) and bemoaning the fact that I'm not as good as I want to be. I'm not as motivated, driven, and passionate as I thought that I was. Coming here has been so eye-opening in that regard, because my whole life, I've been sitting in classes thinking to myself that I was nothing and would never become anything, and when I got into college, I looked around and realised that I was one of few people who actually wanted to be there. Anyway, I had this identity crisis when I started thinking about how I'm not going to get into the grad schools that I want to apply to because I messed around my first few years of college. It's a sobering thought that everything that I did the past few years that I thought wouldn't matter is now haunting me. Meditation is a harrowing experience.

On Sunday, I went into Wales with Steve and his housemates, which was *awesome*. I think that I might start looking at grad school in Wales because everyone in Cardiff was nice, and the atmosphere was a lot more comfortable than it is in England (Oxford, particularly, but the Welsh have something natural about themselves that attracts me). I got to take some great photos to add to my portfolio, which was cool. I also found out that there's a permanent Doctor Who exhibit there, since that's where the majority of Doctor Who is filmed, and the "Doctor Who Experience" (a huge display of Doctor Who memorabilia) is moving to Cardiff in just a few weeks! I'll be back. That's a promise.

Anyway, some people have asked me what's different in Oxford or the UK in general that I'm going to miss when I get home... so here are a few things that I've loved so far:

• Waking up and seeing a random woman doing Sun Salutations by herself in the middle of the park across the way.
• Watching teenage boys do back flips for no reason in the same park.
• Passing friars on my way to the centre (Blackfriars Hall is right down the street from my house, so I pass them every day - and no one heckles them! It's cool. Also, Blackfriars is where my Shakespeare tutor is from.)
• Realising that I now type with some British spellings.
• Realising that I say "cheers" in a British accent
• Realising that when I read my paper aloud, I read with a British accent.
• Ordering drinks in pubs.
• Going to Cardiff, where the people fawn over an American accent.
• Shopping every day because there's not enough space in the refrigerator to store your food.
• Cooking interesting meals every day (or... when I feel like it).
• Exploring the Mound (aka: the Shire) - which I have yet to do, but Eric promised that we'll go, hopefully next week.
• Seeing "your mum" as a graffiti mark on a wall.
• Hosting "parties" in our house that really just consist of us sitting around going "so when are the people getting here?"
• Seeing Spamalot, where the British accents didn't need to be faked.
• Talking with British people about Burns' Night - and seeing how surprised and impressed they are that an American knows what Burns' Night is! (Thank you, Dr. Bittenbender.)
• Making a "Piña Colada" song to be sung to the tune of "Hakuna Matata".
• Convincing a table of American girls at Coffee Republic that I'm actually English.

And last, but not least:

• Finally finding someone who I can connect with, who is willing to have deep conversations just as often as stupid ones, and who constantly makes me laugh. I've really been missing that in my life, and I wouldn't trade this for the world.
• Holding my own with my professors. Sure, I've had some hard tutorials, where I've walked out and cursed the day that I thought that I could succeed in Oxford, but in the end, I'm pulling B+'s and I know that I can do better. So I'll keep on keeping on, and I'll realise that I'm a freaking genius and I'll try to do better.

I've had some hard days, but I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. Yeah, I have some sad moments, but I feel at home here. I have this sense of belonging, like Oxford was waiting for me. And now that I'm here, it's waiting for me to step up my game. And I only have 27 days within which to do so. Here we go!