Well, here I am again, a blog post long overdue (I was intending to publish this just a few days after my last one), but at least I’m publishing one at all – this is mainly just to say hello to my friends and family back Stateside and to remind them that no matter how much I want to evade the police here and gallivant across the UK for an unmentionable amount of time, I will indeed be getting on a plane in just a week to come back to you all. I’m not sure why, but I suppose that coming back is necessary. The closer I get to my departure date, the more the realization that I’m leaving England hits me and the more I feel gloomy. Everyone told me that I wouldn’t want to go back to the States after being in England, and while part of me accepted that fact as truth, part of me also thought that I would want to come back to see people. And while I do miss a lot of people right now, I can’t even imagine leaving this place. Here, I have the freedom to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, but I also am required to take responsibility to own up to the consequences that all of my decisions have. While this is certainly true in the States, I enjoy being on my own here in England. I enjoy what I perceive to be a sense of complete freedom. Although financially, staying here is not an option, I somewhat think that I might actually try to get a work visa when I come back during my Master’s program. That way, at least I can support myself. But there I go again, trying to plan out my future so far in advance. Sometimes I wish that I could more fully appreciate living in the moment because my mind always seems to be thinking so far out in the future that I tend to forget about conditionals – getting accepted into a Stateside university for my Master’s, working enough to save up for just housing in Oxford, graduating from my BA program at all! So many things stand between me and where I want to be. But for now, I’ll just focus on the fact that I’m here and I never want to leave.
Anyway, more “homesick” reflections later. My grades finally arrived from Oxford! I received an A from my secondary tutorial (not a surprise) and an A- in my primary tutorial (definitely a surprise)! Both of my tutors had wonderful things to say about how they felt that our tutorials went, and I was so appreciative of their praise. I tend to get down on myself because I don’t feel like I’m smart enough to even be in college, but it’s people like my tutors, particularly Dr. Ballam, who remind me that I am worth something in the academic world, even if I still need a little bit of refinement – that is what uni is for, anyway. So my grades were a decent surprise, and although I know that I could have achieved higher marks in my primary, I’ll take what I can get and do better next time.
Academics aside, Aaron has finally arrived, and we spent three and a half days in London. I’m writing this post on the bus on the way to Oxford. We’ll spend a few days in Oxford, where I’ll show him all of my favourite “haunts” (especially the pubs… my all-time favourite place to be!) and then we’re off to Stratford-upon-Avon. I’m very excited that he’s finally here, although his visit is a little bittersweet because it means that I’m leaving soon. I’m afraid that some of my frustration has been taken out on him, so I’m just trying to avoid being mean and angsty, when all I really want to do is go back to 37 St. Giles and curl up in a ball in the basement and never leave. Pathetic, right? Well, enough whinging from me. I can’t wait to get into Oxford and say my final goodbyes as I show my brother what the good life is all about in my favourite place.
I’m hoping to use train time in order to keep people posted on how I’m doing and track my reflections over the next week as I mentally prepare myself for departure, but in case I completely forget to keep in touch, I can’t wait to see everyone when I return, and please email me if you want to get together when I get back! Lots of love. Ta!
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