Last night, I had a bunch of wonderful friends from college over to say goodbye before I head off to England. It was such a great night - better than I've had in a while. There was food and laughter and friendship and happiness. And through it all, I struggled to keep it together. It's not like I'm never coming back, but a lot can change in a year. People move forward and move on, just like I am, and things will never be the same as they were in that moment of pure bliss. One of my friends took a bunch of pictures for me to put up on my wall in my room at uni. Browsing through the pictures this morning, I realised how hard it's going to hit me when I leave, how much I'm going to miss these wonderful people, how hard it really is to say goodbye to yesterday's memories and feelings.
I have some amazing people in my life, who have come alongside me and supported me through everything that I've been through these past years. I'd really say that it goes back to my time in high school. We've changed a lot since then (for the better, I think). Megan's back in Illinois, job searching and just generally being the strong, gorgeous woman that she is. Christa landed a job working for her university (and just got engaged!). Krista is out in California, too far away from me but ever the most beautiful woman - and still just as patient as well. Christina is working and applying to grad schools, after taking a ridiculous amount of exams, for going into the medical field. Reb's kicking ass at grad school, conquering math and living in her very first apartment (so proud!). Stephanie's just gotten married at the beginning of summer, and gosh, did she just glow with happiness! Kristy's been working far too many hours for my mind to keep track of. These fantastic ladies are all going places in life, and I am so excited to have known them. And I think that in some ways, we're so rare - we've stayed in contact, and without them, I don't think I would have made it through college. Even though we were all in different places around the country, we still talked and encouraged each other. I knew that I could go to any one of them to seek comfort and advice, to vent, to listen, to love and be loved. I appreciate each and every one of them with every part of my being.
And although I found good friends in college, I had a rough time. Roommates are hit-or-miss. You can have a really shitty roommate one semester, but if you hang in there and persevere, you end up with an excellent, exuberant roommate like Emily. To see her glow when she talks about dance and to see her get so fired up about God was such a blessing. Then there's Kaitlyn. We lived together for three years (counting that semester when I went away to Oxford because we still talked so much while I was gone). I still remember that incredibly awkward moment when I just blurted out in the Sparrowk elevator, "Hey, wanna be roommates?" And I am so, so glad that she said yes. I'll always remember popping in National Treasure to fall asleep to at night and geeking out about history and all things Disney, bitching about EDU200... and subsequently dropping the Education major, and singing along to Broadway and Glee soundtracks together. And we briefly lived with Angel, who will always hold a special place in my heart. The three of us had great late-night conversations, which usually ended in someone going, "... We should probably go to bed before this gets any weirder." She was the first person that I told about my crush on a woman, and she embraced it with such grace that I felt so comfortable with myself. On a campus where LGBT issues are hushed (although possibly getting better?), I was so afraid that admitting one of my quietest secrets would bring down the hatred of the community upon me. Angel showed me that there were people on campus that I could talk to and completely be myself with. Which is how she and Kaitlyn watched me fall apart, surrounded by brownies, Diet Coke, and queso, as I rushed to finish my Critical Theory paper. My final year kind of sucked, living-wise, but again, I had Kaitlyn to keep me sane, and the guys welcomed me over to their apartment. Ben, Steve, Timmel, Shorty, and Pennington - we've had some amazing times, and without these guys, I likely would have punched someone in the face and burned down my building during my last year. They got me through everything and let me bitch when I needed to.
I have found that it is incredibly true that you end up finding some of your best friends in college once you declare a major because from then on, you're taking classes with some of the same groups of people. I did meet Katie and Kayla in INST150, and though I didn't get to hang out with them as much as I would have liked, it was so great to see them and establish a lunch family my first year - and to see them stand up and read their thesis work last semester was just amazing (because damn, we've come so far). And then there are people like Samantha, who you meet in the middle of a coffee shop one day when one of your friends yells across the room that you both like Hitler. Awkward for others, but perfect for us.
English classes and activities were how I met Isaac (sarcastic and verbally abusive at times, but overall, a great guy), Elyse (charming and adorable, and far more intelligent than I - she was a total academic beast and killed it at Oxford!), Steve (who wasn't afraid to tell me when to shut up because "No one cares, Beth!" but would still give me a hug when I needed one), Imani (who was not only an excellent replacement for me when I gave up my position as Features' Editor, but was my bitch buddy after power-walking), Meg (who I will always be able to geek out about Joyce with and who is too beautiful for words), and the most amazing woman in the world - Rivkah. Without Rivkah, I wouldn't have made it through my last year of college. I don't say this lightly. This past year, in particular, I have been faced with the demons of my past. Rivkah was there to hold my hand, knock back a drink or two, obsess with over David Tennant and Catherine Tate's Much Ado About Nothing, and empathise with about thesis work. She is charming and witty and perfect, and I love her. We had so many late-night trips to the Breezeway, full of food and relaxing conversations. I knew that if I ever had a bad day, I could text Rivkah, and just talking with her for five minutes would immediately calm me down and put a smile on my face. I can't even fully describe how much this girl has changed my life. Without her encouragement, I might not have applied for grad schools (or accepted an offer!) and I wouldn't have the courage to get on that plane come Friday.
Then there are mentors, who are there to guide you through life, but who also equip you for what may be ahead. Dr. Marshall is possibly the most amazing man that I have ever met. I am so, so glad that I had him for classes in my first semester and that he took me on as his TA. He became so much more than a professor that I worked for - he became someone to whom I could turn in times of need, who would offer advice and counsel, and for that, I am ever so grateful. He talked me through awful course assignments, frustrations with teachers, and grief, and he was there to celebrate my two years without cutting. Without his efforts, I wouldn't have made it through the sophomore verbal fire I set on campus, most of my classes, or thesis. I probably wouldn't have even entertained the notion of grad school. But he told me that I had the potential, if only I would choose to rise to it.
And I can't forget my English professors, who were willing to accommodate any needs that I had, as well as talk to me outside of class about special interests that I had in my fields. I will never forget the time when I came back from England and asked Dr. Bittenbender if I could choose my own paper topic (I was so spoiled in England) and I ended up writing the most fun piece I have ever written. Who knew that Wilfred Owen was so amazing?! (Besides Dr. Bittenbender, that is.) And of course, there was Dr. Cherry, who has known me since before I can remember. I have vague memories of trying to usurp her computer, but I have more vivid memories from classes like Victorian Age, which sparked an interest within Rivkah and me to get into Gilbert & Sullivan. And when Colleen came along, I finally had someone with whom I could discuss the Victorian period quite extensively! She is such a joy, and she was willing to work with me in my final year at Eastern to do the best work that I could possible do (and without her class, I wouldn't have graduated on time). Then there's Dr. Blue, who pushed me to my limits academically, but who is ultimately my role model. If I could even be half the innovative teacher that Dr. Blue is, I would be so ecstatic. I learned so much from her, and her passion for teaching and literature was inspirational.
And then, of course, there are the people you get close to right before you leave, and it's even harder to say goodbye because you wonder what your friendship would have been like if you could stay longer. So this one goes out to Oksana, the Nates, and Andy, for being awesome and letting me come over to the apartment and drink and watch horrible movies (seriously, why was Birdemic even MADE?!) and for just generally being the chill people that they are. These guys were exactly what I needed this summer, and they made last night that much more epic. And of course, there's Sarah, who has talked me through some of the most emotional shit I've ever had to deal with this past year, and who is always great for boosting my self-esteem when I start to get down on myself. And whenever I need a hug, I turn to Sevag, who gives bone-crushing hugs and makes you feel so wanted. I wish so much that I had more time with them, to see where things go, but they give me hope that I will meet amazing people in the future who will be as kind and as welcoming as they have been.
Finally, I must say thank you to my amazing, boyfriend, Benjamin, whom I will be so sad to leave in just a few days. Ben saw me through the roughest part of my time at Eastern, this past year. He made himself available for me when I needed him most, when I felt like the weight of the world was crushing me, when I wanted to die, when I actually wanted to take my own life and resumed cutting. So few people know this, but Ben once held me until I passed out at three in the morning after I tried to cut myself extensively. I will never be able to repay him for all of the good that he has done for me in these past nine months. What a guy. Then there is the unexpected friendship that I found with Ben's mother, Pattie (the only time I will ever call her that, even though she insists, because to me, she is Momma H - and that's in Ben's notes!). This amazing woman has seen so many trials in these past few years, but seeing how God has equipped her with strength and the gift of passing on His words with such wisdom has been incredible for me. In the times when I was struggling, I knew that she would always be there with the words I needed to hear (although not necessarily the words that I wanted to hear, and that has made all the difference and has let me grow).
There are so many more people who have shaped my life, encouraged me, pulled me up from rock bottom and cheered me on throughout my life. I wish that I could mention each and every person, but that would take another lifetime to complete. For now, I hope that each and every person in my life knows that leaving you is hard. But I know that we will each live such amazing lives and become even better people. We will conquer what we put our minds to. Hold on to those good times. Write them down. Take a picture and post it on your wall. When times get rough, remember. There are people who love you and want you to succeed more than anything in the world. As the song below says, "The good times that made us laugh outweigh the bad."
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