I've been stuck for so long looking forward that it's hard to focus on the present. Simultaneously, I've spent too much time looking back, never learning, never reflecting, never moving on. Just glancing, yearning, hoping that I could just have one chance to go back and re-live the moments that passed me by far too fast, that left me feeling like the world moved on without me.
I tend to measure my years by my triumphs and my days by my failures. It's hard for me to focus on my day-to-day successes, as they just seem to be overshadowed by the day-to-day failures. Yesterday, for example, the list of things I did not do is far, far longer than the list of things I had to accomplish. I did not read any of the eight novels that I need to read some time in the next 18 days, nor did I pick up and put away any of the hundreds of items scattered quite dangerously around my floor (I swear, one of these days, I'm going to trip over those things and put myself in a coma - Dad used to joke that if a burglar ever tried to steal something from my room, he'd sue us for the injuries he incurred by simply trying to cross the room... at least, I think he was joking). I didn't fill out any of my pre-registration email (but I did print some of it off!) and I certainly didn't pack anything. Instead, I put in a few work hours, watched a few episodes of Psych, and went to hang out with some friends.
I'm not saying that that wasn't a satisfying day because, to be honest, it was kind of exactly what I needed. All of this stress has been so overwhelming, to the point that I've developed so many problems. TMJ, for example, has started making its presence known. I used to have just a slight clicking in my jaw. It started a while back, when I went to Oxford, but I didn't really think much of it because it only happened once in a while. Now, however, as I get closer to leaving, it keeps getting worse, to the point that the other day, I couldn't even open my mouth (not a horrible problem for those close to me, but it meant that I couldn't even eat). It's caused by stress, where you grind your teeth in your sleep. So it makes sense that it gets worse as time goes on because the closer I get to leaving and the less I've accomplished, the more stressed I get.
Over the past few weeks, I've found myself consistently plagued by stress and anxiety. My biggest fear right now is failure, and I find it absolutely paralysing. It feels so weird to see everyone going back to college and to acknowledge the fact that I've graduated already. It feels like just a few months ago that I was saying goodbye to all of my high school friends and wishing that I had gone somewhere far away for college so that I seemed just as accomplished as everyone around me. And now, I'm headed off to England to do a Masters degree, and I can't acknowledge just how big this really is. It feels like just another time in my life where I'm setting myself up for failure. I can't look past my daily faults to see the bigger picture - going to England, setting my sights on a PhD, published already (and perhaps more before I even start my Masters, if I can get my act together). All of those things, which should feel like major successes, seem small and insignificant in the face of the short-term tasks I have before me.
And none of these small things are really going to matter once I leave. I'll be in seminars and making new friends and thriving in the academic environment once more.
Don't sweat the small stuff, right?
So much easier said than done.
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