First, an evaluation: I have not spent as much time in the library as I thought I would. Part of that is because I'm lazy and don't feel like walking the fifteen minutes to my college, but part of that is also because I've been getting up at 10 or 11 in the morning, and by that time, I realise that I'm not going to get much done, so I end up giving up before I've begun. For example, last night, I said that I was going to go to bed at 10pm, but then midnight came around and I was so confused where the past two hours had disappeared to (the answer is: youtube videos with Gabby). So I spent Saturday afternoon out and when I came home, everyone wanted to hear how things went. And then I spent yesterday kicking myself for not doing anything on Saturday and proceeding not to do anything anyway. And now I find myself blogging today, still not doing anything but listening to music and cursing my existence. Gabby and I made pacts with each other, which I think will be really helpful. Without going into too much detail (because the pacts are pretty personal), I've vowed to stop over-thinking everything in my life. I have so much trouble focusing in the present and I tend to just start to do what I affectionately call "snow-balling," where I start thinking about all of the bad and stressful things in my life and let them culminate towards utter emotional depletion. Gabby and I have vowed to keep each other in check and accountable to making better decision, and I really appreciate that she and I have connected about stuff like this.
Second, Oxford is already my home. Enter: feeling anxious about the future. Stateside (which I no longer call home, interestingly enough), I was so connected to everyone. I knew what was happening every day, and I talked with my friends every second that I wasn't in class or sleeping. Even though we were all on campus, we were constantly in contact and hanging out and just talking online. Now that I'm away from the States, I hardly hear anything except from a few people. It's a little discouraging because I felt like I had such great connections with people, and now that I'm here, I'm so cut off. I don't even mean "cut off" as in "not in the States" - I honestly have not heard any news or talked with most of my friends since I got here. I'm a very social person, and not having regular class sessions has made me realise how much I miss being around people. Oxford is a bubble - almost everyone here is a student or professor, and the town is pretty much quiet all day. There are two periods of noise here - lunch and dinner. Other than that, I hear about an hour or so of drunk people at night, but that's about it. When I walk onto my uni's grounds, I'm greeted with silence, as all of the freshers are either in the library (which is dead silent, by the way) or in their rooms, studying. Even lunch is generally quiet, with people studying while they eat or just grabbing a quick lunch. There is hardly ever anyone in Hall. But I love that quiet. Sometimes it's hard to get myself motivated to start my work, but it's that quiet that I love to study in.
I've been anxious about everything here, although I'm getting better. The list goes on and on, but some of my particular favourites to stress about are whether or not my tutors will find my work stimulating, engaging, and intelligent, whether or not I can find something to spend my summer doing in order to pay off my debt from this term alone, whether or not I can succeed at a grad school here (heck, whether or not I could even get accepted to a grad school here)... etc. I've been here twenty-five days (!) and I already know that I don't want to leave. I've taken to playing angsty music, a Green Day/Paramore mix, which just makes me more angry, I think.
My biggest fear is failure, and I've always had such a great network of support at home. Suddenly I'm here, thrust into this great abyss where I'm completely responsible for myself and all of my decisions, and I feel utterly alone. I don't mind it most days because I have fantastic housemates. But sometimes... sometimes I just wish that I had friends here who could show me the ropes and help me learn how to set up a proper schedule for myself that would force me to get work done.
I know what I have to do, but it's so hard to make that first step from "fun mode" to "school mode." And seeing statuses and pictures of people back at home and reading about how much fun they're having makes me wish that they were here. Lord knows, I don't want to go back Stateside (ever), but I do miss all of my personal connections. Not hearing from people kills me, and I find it so hard to concentrate, wondering how people are doing and wishing that I had the strength to not care. I don't want to see reminders of life in the States because I wanted to become a better person here. I think I've just found the title of my post... I keep seeing the British version of so many people back in the States, and I don't want to see that anymore. I want to see England and the UK the way that it's meant to be seen, without influence of my twisted past and pain.
These confessions have made me feel a little bit better, but I know that I have a long way to go, and by the time I'm fully acclimated to my position as an academically-minded, passionate student, it'll be time to go home. Term is over in 45 days, and that's hardly enough time for me. I just want to stay here forever. Forget 37 St. Giles - Oxford is my home. I can't even imagine going back to the States because I'm slowly becoming established here (although I'd have an easier time if I could find someone to go with me to Doctor Who Society who actually wanted to hang out with the people there so we could get to know some awesome British folks). I just need to find someone who's willing to be as crazy as I am so that I can become even more established here. But at the same time, I'm afraid of planting roots in the UK when I know that I'll be leaving so soon.
To anyone thinking of studying abroad... plan to be gone for more than three months of school. I'll be here for four months, and one of those months is pretty much over. Although, I can honestly say that I'm happy I chose to come for Eastern's spring term because even though I didn't have much time to prepare to depart for England, that short break didn't kick me as far out of school mode as I think summer would have. Things to consider for those who are interested in studying abroad.
Well, it's a bit past noon and I still haven't started my reading for the day, so I'm off to read Love's Labours Lost and A Midsummer Night's Dream, although I'm sure only one will be read. Hope everyone reading this is doing well, and keep in touch! Please! Love to my friends and family.
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