Finding motivation is hard.

I'm completely unmotivated to do any work right now. Not having daily class sessions is one of the hardest things that I'm facing here (and I mean, if that's my biggest problem, you know that I'm faring pretty well). What's hard is that my first essays are due at my first tutorial sessions, and that doesn't give me time to get into school mode and focus my mind the way that I need to.

My work this week is relatively light - I only have to read Richard II, Richard III, and all of the poems by Gerard Manley Hopkins - but my energy is just drained. Part of my fatigue is brought on by the fact that I'm still sick. My cold isn't as bad, but now I'm having trouble with food. It's not very fun to be so sick all of the time, but I'm getting through it. I just can't find motivation! Even while writing this post, my mind is just wandering.

My secondary tutorial is going to be interesting. Instead of Tolkien and Lewis, my tutor and I decided to work on the poems of Gerard Manley Hopkins and Robert Browning, Dickens' Great Expectations, and Bronte's Jane Eyre. I think all of these authors will be really interesting to cover, and I'm looking forward to tackling the challenge of reading Great Expectations (it's only 9000 pages on my Kindle!) because I've never read it before. Anyway, my first essay for that tutorial is due on Tuesday, and it has to be 7-10 A4 page paper. Granted, Christian symbolism in Gerard Manley Hopkins' poems is not a difficult subject to research and dive into, but I'm already behind on my Shakespeare work.

Speaking of, my Shakespeare work is going to be beastly this term. I'm reading Richard II, Richard III, Henry IV (parts I and II), Henry V, Love's Labours Lost, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Twelfth Night, As You Like It, Romeo and Juliet, Julius Caesar, King Lear, Hamlet, Othello, Macbeth, Measure for Measure, The Winter's Tale, and The Tempest. I can hardly believe that in eight weeks, I will have read all of these plays! Each week, I'll write a minimum of 2000 words about these plays, separated into sets (kings, comedies, tragedies).

I just need to not give up before I've even begun. I just need to hang in there and get work done. I made the mistake of going out to a club with my friends on Wednesday night, and I hadn't started reading yet, so like I said, I'm already so far behind. They're going out tonight too, but I'm just not feeling up to it, and I haven't done half of the things and reading that I needed to accomplish today.

Before I left for England, I made a list of nineteen things that I wanted to work on this term, and I'll post them a little later. I've actually accomplished a few of them just by getting on the plane to come here, but I do have a lot to work on.

"Sometimes difficult things need to be said. Don't let discomfort silence you." I'll go into this a bit more later, as I did start working on this before I left for term. But for now, I'll say that I need to say something difficult to myself - maybe I'm not ready for this, but I don't have a choice anymore, in my mind. I got on the plane and I came here, and now that I'm here, I need to throw myself fully into what I'm doing. I could choose not to give this term my very best, but then I might as well move my return trip and just come home.

Anyway, as I'm reflecting on this, I'm also thinking about what an awesome time I had last night at DocSoc, the Oxford University Doctor Who Society. Although it's hosted at 8pm a little under a mile from my house, I went to watch the episodes with my housemate Gabby. I love those guys already, and I only went to one night! I'll definitely be trying to go every week. After DocSoc, they all went to the pub (which I'll try to do next week if I get my work finished in time), but last night, Sarah, Rachael, Gabby and I went out to get ice cream from G&D's Cafe. It's pretty much a UK Ben & Jerry's (although they have that too), and I got Bailey's and Cream ice cream. It was so fantastic! I definitely want to save some money to go there next month if I can. I wish that I could find things like that back home. Although, if I did, I'd have no money left.

Well, I'm off for the evening, and I don't expect anything to get done, but hopefully I can go to bed early tonight and get up early tomorrow to actually work. If I can get all of my reading done tomorrow, I'll be headed to London on Sunday, which would be so awesome (and free)!

Hope everything Stateside is going well, and cheers!