Last night, I watched Mulan and The Lion King (and my roommate even joined along in a sing-along of sorts as I belted out the words to all of the songs...) and at the end of Mulan, during the credits, there's a song called "True to your heart" and I got tears in my eyes as I listened to it. I've been really struggling with a few things here - the fact that I think all of my housemates drink (it's totally legal, but I still struggle with dealing with the fact that I don't want to drink but they do), how unmotivated so many of the students in my program seem to be, and whether or not I can really utilise all that Oxford has to offer in such a way that I achieve growth. And then I realised that I just need to do what I know is right by me, not by anyone else (abiding by the law, of course).
Anyway, I kind of want to just post some of the lyrics from the song that struck a chord in my heart and then dissect them a bit:
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But you'll never fall
'Til you let go
Don't be so scared
Of what you don't know
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Why second-guess
What feels so right
Just trust your heart
And you'll see the light
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When things are getting crazy
And you don't know where to start
Keep on believing, baby
Just be true to your heart
When all the world around you
It seems to fall apart
Keep on believing, baby
Just be true to your heart
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Okay, first section. I've just been so fearful of how this semester is going to turn out, but I realised that I tend to be more focused on the future than fully living in the present. Yes, it's great to start planning out what I want to do after undergrad, but I really need to be focused on this semester if I'm to succeed. I need to stop being so fearful of what I don't know, whether that covers what I'm going to learn in my tutorial sessions or how this semester is going to turn out or even whether or not I'll get along with my tutors.
But there's also an element of that fear that surfaces when I feel uncomfortable with the things going on in my house, which leads to the second section. My parents don't drink and Eastern is a dry campus, so it feels really weird to be in a house where everyone is constantly drinking or talking about drinking. As well, many of the people in the program are really interested in just drinking all of the time. Eastern's certainly not the most academically rigorous institution, but at least I can say that most of the people I associated with at least attempted to focus on schoolwork. American students especially here are driving me nuts. Some of them are driven, but some of them aren't. Anyway, I digress from the point that when I first got here, I really wanted to drink to fit in. And maybe I'll go out for drinks occasionally during the semester. I thought that I would be boring if I didn't drink. I even bought a 4-pack of Strongbow (which is really weak, by the way - I swear it's the weakest cider you could possibly get), which is currently sitting on top of the fridge. I had one can. I've tried coke and rum, and I've even downed a shot of Smirnoff. But the whole time, something just felt off. Just because I'm of the legal drinking age here doesn't mean that I have to drink. And honestly, as lame as this may sound to some people, I just want to study and explore. I want to dive into Oxford, uninhibited and liberated by my sharp and sober mind in order to get the most out of this amazing place as possible. I'm just not interested in jeopardising my chances at getting the best grade and experience that I can whilst here. So why second-guess my desire to stay away from drinking? There's nothing wrong with drinking. I just don't want to do it.
The third section pertains to the events of today. I finally met my Shakespeare tutor. I really want to email Dr. Blue and ask her if I can Skype into her class this semester, that's how scared I am. Elyse and I freaked out after our initial meeting with this woman. She seems really intense and brilliant, and I just don't know that I can perform to the level that she expects of me. But I'm thinking back to the lyrics - my world was starting to fall apart this afternoon after my meeting with her. But I know that I can do this. If I couldn't, God wouldn't have put me here and I wouldn't have gotten accepted in the first place. A whole host of people had to review my application before I received my acceptance - Lori Bristol, the Oxford Study Abroad Programme staff, and New College officials (I just found out that each college reviewed applications and actually chose who they wanted in their college... and yes, they did turn people down). Out of all of the applicants, I was one of the lucky few. How many people apply to OSAP each year? I don't know. But my program really doesn't have as many students in it as I thought it would. I can do this. I have been accepted, and I know that there are so many people cheering me on.
Deep in my soul, I know that Oxford is really where I am supposed to be, and as cheesy and ridiculous and cliche as this sounds, I am not going to sit here passively and mope. I'm going to kick my cold and get out there and make the most of my time here. After all, I only have 98 more days to make my mark on this great city.
That being said and declarations having been made, I'm going to go to bed now so that I can begin with a clear mind tomorrow. I have a meeting with my secondary tutor at 12:30, and I still don't know where the meeting place is located. Adventure time!
Just a quick shout-out to my friends back home who are starting term today -- you guys are going to have such a great term, and I can't wait to hear about all of the craziness that ensues. I know that life goes on, and I'm sad that I'm not there with you all, but I send my love in my place. Have a great start of term and keep in touch!
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